


Don't Give up the Ship

by twinklingpaopufruit



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, M/M, Not polyamory, nonAU, past jeongcheol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2018-07-16 12:42:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 36,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7268674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twinklingpaopufruit/pseuds/twinklingpaopufruit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeonghan decides to leave Seventeen. </p><p>Seungcheol and Joshua seek comfort in each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

_ Don’t Give Up The Ship: A motto meaning don’t surrender _

The first thing he felt was a blinding light. He saw nothing for several seconds. The heavy concert lights dimmed and Seungcheol could finally see out to the crowd. His ears caught the sound of screams and fan chants echoing in the stadium.

A few weeks ago, Seungcheol would have looked at the crowd and thought to himself: Ah, what a pleasure and honor it is to be here!

But today, it wasn’t. He wasn’t sure if he would ever have that thought again.

Too preoccupied in his thoughts had made him unaware that he was dancing to the choreography; but when he did, he let instinct take over.

Nothing felt the same.

The stage seemed too empty.

The song continued and shifted to the next. It only involved the performance unit so the others ran around the stage trying to get the crowd even more pumped.

Seungcheol found both his wrists had been captured by Mingyu and Jihoon. The two were trying to get him to run with him. Seungcheol did.

And even though, he was laughing, smiling, and making dorky faces at the crowd, it did not reflect how empty and dead he felt inside.

Their sold out concert continued on and Seungcheol only followed the routine like it had been practiced. Somewhere near the end of the concert, Seventeen began to perform their ballads.

When the ballad was first written and performed in the studio, Seungcheol felt so moved by the sad melody accompanying lyrics of a lover who had left. Jihoon and their other producers had allowed him to sing a whole verse and Seungcheol nearly forgot how much he loved to sing.

When the song reached his part, he looked at the crowd. Mentally, he froze; but thankfully, his mouth kept going and he sung his lines.

But he could not stop crying.

Standing right in front of him were a bunch of fans holding signs that read ‘forever ot13’ and—

‘Jeonghan’

Seungcheol was sobbing as he neared the end of his verse. He tried to control it, but too much had been let out to bring it back in. He could feel eyeliner slipping into his eyes and running down his cheeks. He could taste the saltiness of his tears. He could hear the fans screaming to not cry—it was ok. _ But it wasn’t. _ It was never going to be the same again.

On his right, he felt Wonwoo wrap him in his arms as Seungcheol continued singing.

_ Why had Jeonghan— _

He strained his voice to reach the note, and for the first time in a live show, he hit the note perfectly. Jeonghan would have been so proud.

The lights died down.

Seungcheol was running to perform the next song.

And for the last song of the concert, they were performing their debut single.

Performing it now felt like insult.

 

 

 

Joshua slumped against the couch as he heard the screams a room over. The rest of the members sat around the living room awkwardly.

46 hours.

That’s how long it had been since Jeonghan had announced to the group he would leave Seventeen.

Joshua looked up as Seungkwan began to pace back and forth in the room. He wanted to tell him to stop but if it was calming him, then he figured to let him be.

Somewhere in the room, he could hear Junhui, Jihoon, and Soonyoung discussing whether they should intervene. They had stopped asking for his opinion, when Joshua refused to answer.

Plus, he felt Jeonghan deserved to be yelled at. He only wished he was the one doing it, but he didn’t think he was strong enough to handle it. All he had wanted to give Jeonghan was his kindness and affection, it had been all he was giving him. To suddenly ask of him to change would be another wound added to the situation.

He thunked his head against the back of the couch and listened.

“Goddammit Jeonghan! A week! How long have you been planning this! Jeonghan! Answer me!” That was Seungcheol. The two of them had been locked in there for over half an hour and it was only a few minutes ago when the screams started.

There was a long pause, so he figured that Jeonghan was either silent or speaking in hushed tones as he usually did when he was upset. He rarely exploded. It wasn’t like him. Joshua knew Jeonghan down to his very core to know that Jeonghan preferred to ignore a problem until it went away. This wasn’t going to go away though, and neither could he run from it.

It was a problem very presently there and they were all suffering from it.

The shouts kept building on Seungcheol’s end. Joshua sat up straighter as Soonyoung stood up.

“Maybe, I should go in there,” Soonyoung spoke awkwardly.

“Don’t,” Joshua said. “You will make it worse. Jeonghan needs to have this conversation with Seungcheol first. He always puts Seungcheol first,” Joshua said the last part bitterly. “Then it will be our turn to say what we think.”

Soonyoung sat back down but flinched as they suddenly heard Jeonghan break. “Fuck you! Fuck you, Choi Seungcheol! Goddamn fuck you! You have no idea what I’m going through!”

“I’m trying to understand!”

“No, you fucking aren’t! You are just throwing out accusations! Why can’t you be happy for me!”

Joshua glanced at the door in surprise. He had never heard Jeonghan ever raise his voice. Ever.

“Ok,”  Soonyoung stood up again. “We are all heading outside. We shouldn’t be listening,” He told everyone.  

All the younger members agreed without any complaint. The older ones were engaged in hushed whispers, but complied with Soonyoung. The only member who refused to move was Joshua.

“Jisoo, let’s go.” Soonyoung urged.

“No.”

The screaming got louder.

Soonyoung rolled his eyes, “Fine. Do whatever you want, apparently everyone is.”

Joshua heard the front door slam as they all left. He thunked his head back against the couch and continued to listen.

He wondered how he would have handled the situation. Would he have cursed at Jeonghan? Would he have tried to understand where Jeonghan was coming from? Probably not. He probably would have behaved the same way as Seungcheol. He would have just been better at hiding his anger and replacing them with pathetic tears.

His head snapped to the door once more as he heard a crash and something breaking. He rethought about intervening. He stood slowly, waiting for any other sudden noises.

And then he heard it.

It was a long drawn out moan from Jeonghan’s mouth.

Joshua scoffed. He sunk back into the couch.

He heard another moan from Seungcheol.

He stayed seated on the couch and listened. In a few minutes, he heard a bed frame banging against the wall and his friends groaning and grunting loudly. God, he was such a masochist. He wanted to get up and leave, but he couldn’t.

His hands balled into fists against his sides, fighting back tears. He shut his eyes and waited a good fifteen minutes until it stopped.

Joshua heard the door click open. He saw Jeonghan emerging, tugging his shirt over his head. “I’m still not staying,” Jeonghan said in the doorway. He turned to leave and froze when he saw Joshua sitting in the living room.

“I—” Jeonghan stammered.

Joshua looked away from Yoon Jeonghan for the first time. “Just go.”

He heard footsteps and the front door quietly shut.

Joshua got up and went to his room, not caring that Seungcheol had heard his door slam. He sagged against the bed and cried.

If Choi Seungcheol was not enough for Jeonghan to stay then he could be goddamn sure Joshua Hong wasn’t. Joshua had never and will never be enough for Jeonghan.  

 

 

 

The noise in the living room died down suddenly and the heads moved toward each other worriedly. All except one head. It was covered in a thick mop of black hair and was fixed and immobile. The eyes also did move and were open, dry and fixed on Jeonghan seated on the couch. Jeonghan’s hands were clasped over his chest, his heart under his hand beating fast, his breath panting as if he had given an hour long performance and could no longer breath. Jeonghan’s voice broke inside him as he said to himself:

Oh god! Seungcheol’s eyes are looking in my direction but he does not see me. What have I done to his eyes? Or is he fighting sleep? No. It’s me. How could I do that? How, my love, are you not yelling at me and screaming?

Jeonghan’s stomach muscles tensed as he recalled the dreaded words he had thought he would never say.

He couldn’t even focus on the others in the room. His attention was only Seungcheol, but Seungcheol wasn’t saying anything.

It was nearly seven months that Jeonghan had been planning this. Anxiety would awaken him every night with the idea of it and make him creep into Seungcheol’s bed. The other would hold him and kiss him and love him. Selfishly, Jeonghan allowed him and carried on the lie.

Lies. He couldn’t cope with them well. So, he decided to finally spill it to the group. It wasn’t easy, but all Jeonghan wanted was to be happy.

Five albums. That’s what it took for Jeonghan to realize that making music wasn’t his real calling. In between preparing for their last album, he had starred in a drama. There, Jeonghan felt every wall within him breaking. He had never felt so much pride in his work before that.

The emotion stirred within him doubt. He thought it was a fluke, but as he continued filming, love and adoration consumed him. He wanted more. More. More.

But he couldn’t eat more, not like this.

Not with Seventeen.

But how would he explain this to them?

He loved Seventeen. He loved performing with them. He loved all of them and especially Seungcheol. But he loved acting more. He didn’t think it was possible to find a stronger love than the love he shared with Seungcheol. But there it was, and he felt guilt gnaw at every bone in his bone for even having those feelings.

It was true though. Truth. That Jeonghan treasured.

So he stealed himself to quit.

He looked at Seungcheol and the rest of the group. He braced the muscles of his back and this time with more confidence, repeated what he had told the group.

“I’m quitting Seventeen.”


	2. Giving Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this was only supposed to be two chapters. I don't know what happened.

Seungcheol creeped into the kitchen in the morning before the sun rose. He saw Jisoo there with his back to him. He was erasing something on the whiteboard attached to the fridge. Jisoo scribbled something on there before turning to the pantry. 

Seungcheol saw what he had written.

2190.

His heart panged with that daily reminder. The other members didn’t know what those numbers meant, but they knew it was important. One day, Seokmin had accidentally erased it and Seungcheol had to calm down a bawling Jisoo in the middle of the kitchen floor. Now, everyone knew not to touch it or bring it up.

Seungcheol was the only one who knew what it meant:

2190 hours.

2190 hours since Jeonghan left Seventeen.

That was exactly three months. 

Seventeen’s promotions for their sixth album were finally over and they had gone through them without Jeonghan. The time was excruciating but Seungcheol had to put up a front to avoid the team falling apart. The only time when he had let his emotions shine through was when he had cried on their concert stage. Seungcheol vowed to never let that happen again. 

Ignoring his emotions, only caused mental exhaustion on his part. He hoped now that the company was giving them half a year to collect themselves, Seungcheol would be able to move past this and carry the team strongly as he had done in the past.

“Sorry,” Jisoo said, when he saw Seungcheol in the kitchen. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

“I was already awake,” Seungcheol commented, working around Jisoo to get some coffee.

“Oh.” 

“Yeah.”

That was another thing. After Jeonghan had left, an awkwardness hovered around both of them like a thick fog. Seungcheol didn’t want to address it but he couldn’t stand another day with both of them dancing around each other. 

He set his mug on the counter and turned off the coffee pot. 

“Get dressed,” Seungcheol said, using his leader voice.

“Why?”

“We’re going out.”

Jisoo finished his orange juice and left the kitchen. He came back out half and hour later in jeans, a thick jacket, and a face mask. Seungcheol sighed and went over to grab his keys and wallet. Jisoo followed him outside and climbed into Seungcheol’s car without a word.

Fifteen minutes into the ride, Seungcheol looked over at Jisoo, “Aren’t you going to ask where we are going?”

“No.” 

“We’re going to Sokcho Beach.”

Seungcheol got Jisoo to look at him for the first time in over three months, “It’s freezing this time of year.”

“I know.” 

“You’re crazy.”

 

 

 

“No, I’m a dork!”

“Crazy!”

“C’mon Jeonghan let’s just go.”

“What if a fan sees us?”

“Then they see us. But really I doubt we are going to get caught. It's 3 am, let's just go out for some food...it can be a date.”

“A date? Seungcheol—”

“You know I have feelings for you. And I know you feel the same way.”

“That's not the point, what about the others? What about—”

 

 

 

 

“Jisoo!” Seungcheol exclaimed loudly, falling onto the bed.

Jisoo flinched in fear and saved the laptop in his lap from tumbling to the ground. When he saw it was Seungcheol, he took out his earphones and kicked at Seungcheol. “You scared me!”

Seungcheol laughed. “Sorry, it was just too easy.”

Jisoo rolled his eyes and went back to typing on his laptop.

Seungcheol stared at him for a long minute. The creases at the corner of Jisoo’s eyes had smoothed and the dark circles were finally gone. Seeing Jisoo get better was making Seungcheol a lot calmer and feel better too.

After their trip to the beach, something between both of them had rippled into these series of random conversations. Seungcheol would seek out Jisoo whenever he was feeling down and vice versa. Neither had spoken what was truly bothering them, but it was clear they were both still suffering. 

Seungcheol got more comfortable on the bed and rested his head on Jisoo’s calves. He took deep breaths, looking at the ceiling. 

“Hey,” Seungcheol spoke, more to erase the silence.

“Hmm?” 

“What do you prefer to be called?”

“I’m sorry what?”

It had been on his mind for a while since they had returned from the beach. Jisoo’s mother had called to check up on him and he had overheard her calling him Joshua.

“Your name. What do you prefer to be called?”

“I’ve known you since we were eighteen and you are asking me this now?” 

“It never came up. You said anything was fine but we never asked what you like.”

Seungcheol raised his head off Jisoo’s lap when there was silence. 

“Joshua,” He mumbled.

Seungcheol repeated the name. It was a little difficult for him to maneuver his tongue to create the sound. Often, he just called him Jisoo or Josh, and while those were easier to pronounce, Joshua sounded more melodic. 

Seungcheol sat up and sat beside Joshua. “What are you doing?” He looked over the laptop screen.

Joshua ignored his strange antics. “Looking for flights.”

“For what?”

“We have a six month break. I wanted to spend at least one of those months with my family.” 

Seungcheol slumped against the bed. It seemed like everyone was leaving for the break. Junhui and Minghao were going to China. Jihoon, Mingyu, Wonwoo, Chan, Soonyoung, and Seokmin were all going on a trip to Europe and Seungkwan and Hansol were going to Jeju. 

“Oh, that makes sense.”

“Yeah. I didn’t want to be stuck here at the dorms alone.”

“You wouldn’t have been.”

“What do you— _ oh _ . Then I’ll stay.”

“No, go with your family, Joshua.” 

“I thought you were going backpacking in Europe with the others.”

“I didn’t really feel like going. 

“Why not?”

Seungcheol looked at his lap. “Just didn’t feel like it.”

There was a long stretch of silence before Joshua asked him. “Would you like to come with me?”

“To the states?”

“Yeah! Look,” Joshua began to fiddle with his laptop. “See prices are cheaper if I book it for two anyway.”

“I don’t want to impose with your family.”

“It’s fine. My family will love you.” 

Seungcheol still didn’t see how he could go. His embarrassment of being invited for pity made him snap, “Just a week ago you were ignoring me for the past three months and now you’re inviting me to go with you back home? That doesn’t seem okay.”

“I think it is. You’re the one who seems to think it isn’t.”

“Because it’s weird.”

“Why?”

_ “Because you hate me.” _

“I don’t hate you. What gave you that idea?” — 

 

 

 

 

—“Because I’ve been acting like a brat.”

“At least you realized it.”

“Well, I’m sorry Jeonghan if I don’t like you hanging off him!”

“You’re acting like you’re jealous.”

“I am!”

“He’s my best friend you have no reason to be.”

“I know he is...but sometimes you treat him better than me.”

“That’s not true.”

“I have eyes, Jeonghan!”

“Cheol, listen to me he’s nothing more than a good friend.”

“Really  if he’s such—” 

 

 

 

“—A good friend would have helped me out there!” Seungcheol whined.

Joshua didn’t care; he was too busy laughing. Seungcheol hadn’t seen him laugh like that in months. His eyes were scrunched tight, his body bent over his luggage, and a sound was seeping off him that was contagiously capturing Seungcheol in laughter as well.  

“I’m sorry,” Joshua wiped a stray tear and stood straighter. “You have to admit it was funny.”

“Yes, let’s all laugh at my poor English skills.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m done now.”

“Good! So where’s your family?”

“I was gonna surprise them actually.”

“Oh, that’s nice of you. But how are we getting there.”

“Hey. I grew up here. I know my way around. Now c’mon, the bus is about to leave.”

Everything was so foreign to Seungcheol as they drove out of of LAX and into the greater part of the city. Signs were confusing and while he could read them, he couldn’t actually make out what they meant. 

“Don’t worry, ok.” Joshua said breaking Seungcheol out of his worry. He slapped a hand on Seungcheol’s shoulder, “I’ll help you out.” 

They boarded off at a random train station and Seungcheol watched as Joshua pulled out his phone to get an uber.

“We will be staying at my parent’s house. If that’s okay?”

“Yeah.”

They didn’t have to wait long for the car to arrive. They packed their luggage in the stranger’s trunk and sat in the backseat. Seungcheol didn’t pay attention as their driver began to speak with Joshua. The English was too fast between them that he couldn’t even catch a single word. 

Shit, Seungcheol realized. He was in a foreign country, unable to speak English, and dependent on one single person. He hated feeling like an invalid. Why did he come here again?

He climbed out of the car when they arrived at Joshua’s front door. The house was larger than expected but Joshua explained he had been using his money to buy his mother a new house out of the downtown area. 

Seungcheol thought they would go through the front door like normal people, but it seemed like Joshua had other plans. 

He left their luggage on the front door step and urged Seungcheol to follow him round the back. They climbed over the fence into the backyard. Joshua was struggling to stifle his giggles and seeing that calmed Seungcheol a little once more.

Joshua pulled open the french door window as slowly as possible and then walked inside; Seungcheol followed him. Joshua bent low, trying to find his way around the house. Seungcheol could hear a woman talking in the direction of the living room.

Joshua snuck behind the couch and pounced. 

His mother shrieked loudly and then once more when she saw who it was.

The two embraced each other tightly and Seungcheol stood up straight, leaning against the doorway. The moment was too intimate to watch. But Seungcheol could not look away. Joshua was clinging to his mother like a small child, and the sound of Joshua’s tears were becoming overly familiar to Seungcheol’s ears. 

He heard Joshua’s mother speaking to him in English and pulling away to wipe away his tears. Joshua cradled her hands in his and brought them down, trying to get a bearing on himself.

“Nice to see you mom,” Joshua said, switching to Korean. “I brought Seungcheol.”

Joshua’s mother shrieked once more when she noticed him. She ran to him and gave him a warm hug. Seungcheol always liked her hugs. 

“Are the others here?” She asked, peeking around Seungcheol to see if anyone else was hiding in her home. 

“No, just us,” Joshua answered. “We thought we could stay here for a few weeks while we are on break.”

“Of course! But...um...your cousins and aunt are here so, you are going to have to share one of the guestrooms.”

Seungcheol smiled and reminded her, “Mrs. Hong, we share one room with four people, two people is a blessing.” 

“Okay, we’ll go unpack. Your cousins should be here in a few minutes they went to the mall.”

Joshua and Seungcheol nodded. They grabbed their discarded luggage outside the front door and went upstairs.

Joshua swung the door open “So here’s our—” 

  
  


 

 

“—room with Mingyu and Jihoon.”

“Oh, they are going to hate sharing with us.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Cause you can’t keep quiet.”

“I can keep quiet, Cheol!” 

 

 

 

An hour passed where Joshua and Seungcheol unpacked their luggage in silence. Seungcheol wanted to say something, not quite understanding why it was tense to begin with but then the door swung open and in came three people barreling through and straight toward Joshua. They all tackled him to the bed and Seungcheol backed away afraid he would get caught in the tumble.

Joshua cried out from under the two men and one woman sitting on him. Seungcheol noticed the two men were around Joshua’s age, while the female couldn’t be older than twenty. 

Joshua crawled out from under them, all four of them laughing. 

They began sharing quick conversation in English and Joshua glanced at him, almost as if he forgot he was there.

He introduced them in English and when he saw Joshua’s cousins struggling with his name, Seungcheol spoke up, “Um my name is S.Coups,” He said feeling like an idiot in his heavily accented English. 

“S.Coups!” One of the males shouted, shaking his hand and thumping him on the back. “My name is David. That’s Tommy and that’s our little sister Kayla.” 

Seungcheol smiled at all three of them. 

“Sorry,” Joshua apologized in Korean, “They only speak English.”

“That’s okay.” 

Joshua spoke to his cousins for a few more minutes before shooing them off.

“Sorry, they’re kind of rowdy. Do you want to come eat. They brought Mexican food.”

“Sure.”

They descended the stairs and went into the dining room. The cousins greeted him again and Joshua introduced him to his aunt who thankfully spoke Korean. 

They all digged into the food. Joshua spoke in English the entire time with his cousins and Seungcheol felt left out of the conversation. Why did he come here, seriously? He was just invading Joshua’s home life. 

Joshua’s mother seemed to notice Seungcheol’s mood and began speaking with him. Seungcheol was grateful for Joshua’s kind mother and answered her with utmost respect. 

Everyone finished their food and Joshua told his family something in English. His mother shooed him off and Joshua laughed. He got up and Seungcheol was told to follow him.  

“I said we are tired and going to catch up on sleep. You’re jet lagged right?”

Seungcheol nodded. He grabbed the extra blankets from the closet and threw them on the ground. “Yeah. I’ll sleep on the floor, you can take the bed.”

“No dude, the bed is big enough for both of us” 

“No, I’m fine.”

“What’s your problem? We’ve all slept with each other on the same bed before.”

“I always slept with Jeonghan.” Seungcheol muttered, not meaning to say it aloud. He just wasn’t ready to sleep in the same bed as somebody else. 

“Thanks for reminding me.” Joshua snapped. He climbed into the bed and threw the covers over his head.  “Sleep on the floor, see—”

 

 

“—If I care.”

“Jeonghan.”

“No.”

“I’m sorry, what more do you want of me?”

“I don’t know.”  

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry,” Seungcheol apologized in the middle of the night, when they had woken up. It was going to take a while to get used to the time change so now both of them were lying awake staring at the dark ceiling. 

“Don’t apologize.” Joshua muttered. 

“Why not?”

“Cause you never did before.”

Seungcheol took a moment to respond. “Why do I get the feeling we are talking about something else?”

“Forget about it,” Joshua suddenly snapped. 

Seungcheol stood up and approached the bed. He hovered over Joshua. “No, you invited me here at least pretend you want me here.”

“I do want you here,” Joshua said monotonously. 

“Why? Pity?!” Seungcheol said, raising his voice. 

Joshua rolled his eyes. “Yeah, that’s it. Pity.”

“You’re lying.” 

Joshua kicked off the covers and stood up to meet Seungcheol. “Well, what do you want me to say, huh?!”

“Just give me the goddamn reason why I’m here!”

“Honestly, I really don’t know why.”

“Then why are you upset?”

“I’m upset?!” Joshua shouted. “You are the one, who started this!”

“I didn’t start anything! You snapped at me first after I brought up—”

“Jeonghan?” Joshua finished, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I thought,” Seungcheol stammered for a few seconds at the mention of his name, “You were—”

The door opened up a crack and Seungcheol spun around. He saw Joshua’s cousin, Henry peeking his head in the door. He spoke to Joshua and whatever Joshua said had his cousin looking at Seungcheol with sympathy. He shut the door.

Joshua rolled his eyes and climbed into bed, “I don’t want to talk about this right now, just give it up.”    

If only it was that easy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the structure wasn't too confusing. This is my first time trying to write in stream of consciousness but only on dialogue. Tell me what you thought of it. 
> 
> I really don't know how long this is going to be now...


	3. Counting up all the Hours

9:00 a.m. Satisfaction thrummed in his belly at waking up so late. Joshua uncurled his body and settled his back on the mattress. His fingers moved deftly over his phone’s screen. Five emails, two app notifications, and three new texts from Seokmin. He opened that first. He smiled as he saw three photos from the guys’ trip to Europe. One was a picture of pasta, the second of Seokmin and Soonyoung imitating a gladiator fight near the coliseum in Italy, and the third picture was of all of them by a fountain. 

Joshua made a mental note to reply later. He stretched and sat up rapidly. Immediately, his good mood tumbled uncomfortably to pit of his stomach. He saw at the corner of the bed three blankets folded neatly and a single pillow on top.

He recalled his fight with Seungcheol last night. 

He hadn’t meant to argue with the older male. But any mention of Jeonghan peeved Joshua to no end, especially when he attempted to forget about him. 

Joshua groaned, getting out of bed. 

He went through his daily routine efficiently before heading to the kitchen. He braced himself to encounter Seungcheol there, but he was missing. 

Joshua scrunched his brows in confusion. Seungcheol had not been upstairs so where…

“He went with David on a run,” His cousin Kayla said, coming into the kitchen.

She opened up the fridge and grabbed yogurt before sitting on the kitchen island. Joshua felt tempted to do the same, but he recalled he missed home cooked meals. He went to the fridge and got two eggs, an onion, and a bell pepper. 

“Yeah?” He questioned. “How did he even ask?”

“Google translate,” Kayla chuckled. “Mom and auntie went to Downtown. They said they would be back around noon.”

Joshua hummed, grabbing other essential ingredients and reaching for the pan in the lower cabinets. 

“Where’s Tommy?”

“Still sleeping.” She took a large gulp of yogurt before asking without any tact, “So what were you and Coups fighting about?”

Joshua nearly dropped the egg. He knew his cousin long enough to avoid the question, “Stuff about Seventeen.” He left it vague enough. “Were we that loud?”

“Not really. David and I only heard cause our room is next to yours.”

Joshua’s attention fell away from Kayla and to the front door. Five seconds passed. Two sets of footsteps. And then Joshua saw David and Seungcheol walk into the kitchen laughing aloud.

Seungcheol typed something on his phone and then showed his screen to David.

David read it aloud, “I still can not believe you pushed me toward the dog.” He chuckled, clasping Seungcheol’s shoulder. “I already told you I’m sorry. Josh how do you apologize in Korean again?” 

“Mian-heyo,” Joshua spoke, turning back to making breakfast.

David repeated the phrase over and over to Seungcheol, making him laugh.

“Hey can you make me some?” Seungcheol asked Joshua in Korean. Joshua gave him a weird look. Didn’t they just fight? Why the hell was he acting like nothing was wrong?

“Make some yourself,” Joshua replied petulantly.

“But you’re already making some.”

He saw David and Kayla give them a wary look. Obviously they didn't understand, but even they could sense the tension, so Joshua was forced to say, “Fine, get me some more eggs from the fridge.”

Seungcheol nodded, heading toward the fridge. Joshua didn’t even thank him and it didn’t go unnoticed. 

Seungcheol stepped back awkwardly typed something quickly on his phone, and then pressed the audio button. Siri’s voice spoke clearly, “Shower.”

David nodded and then Seungcheol left the kitchen. 

Joshua went back to cooking. He heard David and Kayla talking for two minutes and then arguing. He looked over his shoulder and saw Kayla with her foot planted in David’s stomach as he tried to give her a sweaty hug.

“Dude, go shower!” Kayla whined. “You smell.” 

David wiped his armpit and then tried smushing his hand on her face. 

She shoved him hard and then David escaped upstairs.

Joshua ignored them and remained silent. It took him fifteen minutes to prepare a quick omelet and by the time he was finished Seungcheol was sitting at the kitchen table freshly showered. His cousins had all headed upstairs.

“Thank you,” Seungcheol mumbled.

“Yeah,” Joshua replied, sitting across from him.

“So...about last night.”

“No.” Joshua cut off quickly. 

“We need to have a talk about it.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to fight. Not with you.”

_ “Seung—” _

“I thought when we went to the beach we agreed to return to being friends. So we need to talk. The fight, what was it about because I’m not really sure?”

Joshua held back his eye-roll.“What do you think it was about?”

“Jeonghan?”

“Yes, so please let it go.” He looked up and sighed at Seungcheol’s deep frown. “Look, I apologize for yelling and snapping at you. I promise I won’t do it again. I just really don’t want to talk about it. So really let it go.”

Seungcheol pouted, “I’ll let it go if you promise to tell me sometime in the future why you were upset.”

“Yeah. Whatever,” Joshua said quickly only to move away from the conversation.

Seungcheol nodded and then resumed eating.

Joshua did as well but then frowned when he noticed he only had five bits of bell pepper in his omelet and Seungcheol had nine. 

It seemed Seungcheol was always getting more. 

 

48 hours later...

 

Joshua stepped back, looking at the writing.

2,526

The black marker contrasted strongly against the whiteboard pinned to the fridge. 

2,526 hours since Jeonghan left.

Joshua placed all his effort to cut this sick habit. He counted every hour since Jeonghan left. Every single hour. He wanted to stop, but the thought of letting Jeonghan go destroyed his very soul. It was more than just letting go of his feelings for Jeonghan, it felt like giving up years of friendship as well.

However, the latter already seemed to have happened. He hadn’t spoken to Jeonghan since that day, which might have been the reason Joshua was counting. To hold some part of him there-

“Hey Joshua,” Seungcheol spoke entering the kitchen. He seemed to forget what he wanted to say once his eyes fell on the board.

Joshua flushed in embarrassment and he stood in front of it. 

“Yeah?”

“Your cousins wanted to go shopping. I think.”

“Okay,” Joshua replied awkwardly and feeling deeply ashamed. 

He waited for Seungcheol to leave the kitchen before Joshua moved himself. He headed upstairs, grabbing his wallet, and then went to living room where his cousins and Seungcheol waited for him.

 

7 hours and 28 minutes later...

 

Joshua hated his cousins. 

They went past one, two, three, five stores. “Where are they?” Joshua grumbled, checking his phone. He still had five email notifications, but now he had six app notifications, and zero texts or missing calls.

“I’m sure they’re somewhere,” Seungcheol said. 

“I’m pretty sure they are capable of leaving us here.”

“Have they before?”

“Yeah when I was thirteen cause Tommy ditched me to hang out with a group of girls.”

“Well we can always call an uber.”

“That’s not the point.”  

He checked his phone again. 5:35 p.m. They had been wandering the Galleria mall for 33 minutes. Forty-five minutes ago they had realized they had been abandoned in Banana Republic. Tommy had told him to go get him that tie, and when he turned around, Tommy was gone. He had found Seungcheol lost by the blazers two minutes later.

“So what are we gonna do?”

Joshua shrugged at Seungcheol’s question. 

“Can we eat?” Seungcheol asked. “We didn’t have lunch.”

“Yeah. There’s a Cheesecake Factory in the Promenade.”

“Where’s that at?”

“Just a short walk from here.”

The walk should have only took five minutes, but an old lady at the cross street prevented them from walking ahead of her, so it took them ten minutes to arrive at the Cheesecake Factory and be told they had to wait twenty minutes to be seated.

They sat awkwardly by each other in the waiting area. 

Joshua took out his phone so it looked like he had something to do. Seungcheol did the same.They were speaking again, albeit with obvious tension. 

Joshua went through email notifications and sighed. Ads annoyed him; he had hoped he had received an email from...

He clicked off his phone, pocketing it. He scanned the restaurant and his eyes fell on a couple. They were both male. One of them was a White man, clean-shaven, and blonde hair brushing the tops of his ears. The other was harder to place but he had brown hair and was looking at the other fondly and feeding him of whatever desert they were sharing.

He felt Seungcheol stiffen beside him.

“Don’t stare,” Joshua mumbled. “It's not polite.” He thought Seungcheol felt shocked of how a same-sex couple be so open with their relationship in public when in South Korea, while not completely taboo anymore, it still was seen out of the norm. 

But that thought hadn't crossed Seungcheol’s mind.

Joshua slowly faced Seungcheol and saw his eyes narrow and eyebrows drop.

“We've been waiting for hours,” Seungcheol complained. “When are they going to seat us?”

“We've only been waiting seven minutes.”

Seungcheol sat up straight and looked at the wall ahead of them. “I hate waiting.”

“Stop acting like kid. You were the one who wanted to eat out.”

“Well I don’t want to anymore.” Seungcheol stood to his feet and before Joshua could count the seconds, Seungcheol walked out of the restaurant.

Joshua’s eyes opened wide. He looked to the hostess, contemplating whether he should cancel their reservation. Seeing Seungcheol keep walking answered his dilemma.

He chased after Seungcheol.

He didn’t mean to yell, but it seemed the fight from last night still hadn’t been resolved. “Where do you think you’re going?” Joshua shouted.

Seungcheol stopped. “Away from  _ that. _ ” Seungcheol said firmly.

Joshua caught up with him by a large pool sized fountain. Joshua understood what Seungcheol referred to, so he felt like an asshole bringing up even more. But he couldn’t stop, it was like word vomit. “You can’t run in the opposite direction each time you see a gay couple. 

“Yes I can.”

“Yeah, well what is it going to accomplish? Where are you running to? To Jeonghan?”

“Shut up.”

“Why? You brought him up first by storming out.”

_ “Shut up.” _

“Jeonghan left you and me. He’s not coming back and you need to accept that.”

“I need to accept it?! What about you, huh? Writing the amount of hours since he left on the fridge every morning, doesn’t seem like moving on to me Joshua. In fact, it seems pretty pathetic.” Seungcheol hissed. Joshua felt like he had been punched in the gut. He felt like lashing out now. Hitting Seungcheol where he knew he would have the man packing his bags and going back to South Korea. However, it was that moment the fountain in the Promenade decided to start its light and water show. A jet stream of water shot beside them. An onlooker would have seen the water dividing the two men. The single jet fell down and then the full show started. A blue light shined on Seungcheol’s face and Joshua held back any retort. 

The light shined vulnerability all across Seungcheol’s face, something Joshua wasn’t accustomed to seeing in his strong leader.

He realized belatedly, no matter how much Joshua missed Jeonghan, it would never compare to the way Seungcheol felt. Seungcheol had been dating Jeonghan since they were twenty-four up until they were twenty-seven. Three years. 1095 days. 26280 hours of living in perfect bliss with Jeonghan.

Poor Seungcheol, the man was distraught. He was a heartbroken man. Lost and upset and every other terrible emotion swirled inside him.

Joshua took a shaky breath.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. He counted in his head and took it. Took all of Seungcheol’s anger, trying his best to not let the words affect him.

“But pathetic is your default setting, isn’t it?” Seungcheol continued, with no one to stop him. He took two steps forward and was about to take a third, but his left foot rocked in hesitance and he returned to two. The water beside them shot out in momentum. “Pathetically pining over Jeonghan when he was my boyfriend! Pathetically hovering in the background of our relationship! Pathetically crying on the kitchen floor when he left. Pathetically inviting me here and then pathetically starting a fight that doesn’t even have to do with you. You are pathetic Joshua.” Seungcheol suddenly sucked in a breath. 

Joshua closed his eyes. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. He opened them.

“Apology accepted,” Joshua stated, despite Seungcheol hadn’t apologized. He made sure he was calm before saying, “If you’re done, can we go home? I’m not in the mood to eat anymore.”

Seungcheol’s eyes shook in fear. “Joshua, I didn’t mean that.” 

“I don’t care if you meant it or not. I just wanna go home.” Joshua spoke earnestly. 

“Okay,” Seungcheol said timidly.

Joshua began to walk. Seungcheol followed behind him. 

Once a good distance away from the public, Joshua pulled out his phone and requesting an uber. Joshua counted every second until it arrived. 425 seconds. 

The car pulled up and both men sat in the back. 

Joshua counted the number of billboards until they got home. It kept his mind from taking Seungcheol’s words to heart. After all, there wasn’t any point in crying over them when Seungcheol hadn’t meant them. They had been words from the deepest and ugliest pit that resided in every single person. 

They got home and Joshua had counted 67 billboards, when he stepped off the car. Together the two entered inside. In the hallway entrance, Joshua felt a hand touch his forearm.

“Please don’t forget to change the number of hours on the board,” Seungcheol whispered.

Joshua was confused. Was Seungcheol condoning the behavior or had it been something else? Joshua didn’t want to question it so he went to kitchen and updated the board.

2,535 hours. 

It felt more like millions already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Well, I’m gonna return to this story when I can. I was in an angsty mood after the fluff from gay chicken. I’m gonna try different writing techniques with this story. So whenever I have Seungcheol centered chapter it will be in stream of consciousness, when it’s Joshua, it’s gonna rely heavily on numbers.
> 
> I know it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be cheolsoo yet, but I ask you to be patient. I wanna get the pacing right for this story.
> 
> Tell me what you thought of this chapter. Feedback is really important please. Also would you be okay with me moving up the rating of this story?


	4. Baby Steps

Seungcheol nearly burnt his fingers on the sizzling pan. He hissed, removing his hand quickly. However, remembering the sleeping man upstairs and the grave, terrible mistake—no, it was more than a mistake; it was utterly a horrendous thing to even whisper let alone shout at him, and Seungcheol had no idea how he was going to repair the damage. Fuck. He leaned against the counter, taking in deep breaths. He woke up at four in the morning after having a restless night to prepare Joshua an apology breakfast. It felt so stupid to apologize like this after saying those things, but Seungcheol had to start somewhere. Food always cheered him up, he hoped it would be the same for Joshua.

After his hand stopped stinging, his fingers returned to the whisk. He churned the pancake batter a few more times before slowly lowering the batter to the pan. His mind moved on autopilot as he flipped pancake after pancake.

Halfway through his breakfast cooking endeavor, he hadn’t even realized he was making eggs. Shit. He looked over his shoulder and saw that he had laid out an entire breakfast buffet without meaning too. He felt slightly guilty for creating such a grand breakfast, knowing that he used the Hong’s groceries without asking.

It was too late though, he could already hear footsteps approaching the kitchen. He braced himself to apologize, heart thudding madly inside his chest. Thankfully, he didn’t see Joshua. Joshua’s cousin, David greeted him in sweats and what appeared to be a worn out college t-shirt.

“Jogging?” David asked, miming the running movement with his arms.

Seungcheol pooled his limited English knowledge he obtained from high school to say, “No, thank you.”

“Alright, I’ll go—woah!” Seungcheol didn’t have to know English to understand David’s surprise. “What’s this for?” He asked.

Seungcheol narrowed his eyes trying to decipher his question. David drew a question mark in the air. Seungcheol still wasn’t clear but hoped he was right as he answered, “Joshua.”

David began to speak rapidly with a big smile on his face. Seungcheol had no idea what he was saying so he smiled politely. David caught on quickly and he had a strange smile on his face. He quickly spouted a few more words before waving him goodbye.

Seungcheol did the same.

 

_“Come jogging with me?”_

_“No. Let me sleep”_

_“Please?”_

_“Noooo.”_

_“I went shopping with you last week.”_

_“But I like shopping.”_

_“I like jogging.”_

_“No one likes jogging, Seungcheol.”_

 

“—I do not understand at what ungodly hour you must have woken up to make this.”

Seungcheol jumped in place at the sudden voice. He spun around and saw Joshua’s hair askew, in an old sweater, and worn-out gray sweats.

“Joshua?” Seungcheol spoke in a surprised tone.

“Yeah,” Joshua yawned and sat down at the kitchen table.

Seungcheol wanted to say something so desperately. I’m sorry would have been the perfect start, but he remained standing stupidly in place, watching Joshua already reach for a plate. He didn’t move until the rest of Joshua’s family came down and Joshua’s mother began to thank him.

Seungcheol accepted it politely and sat across from Joshua. The other wasn’t even really paying attention to him, but he didn’t seem to be ignoring him either. Seungcheol had no idea really what Joshua was thinking. He didn’t know Joshua enough to read him. And that was the saddest thought. He really didn’t know Joshua enough so he had no business criticizing the other.

At one point, Seungcheol and Joshua had known each other well, but as Seungcheol grew closer with Jeonghan and young men began to transform into men, their personalities shifted so Seungcheol was left without a clue of who this new Joshua was.

He watched the cousins carefully. Kayla asked Joshua something and Seungcheol tuned it out for the most apart until Joshua addressed him in Korean. “My cousins are going to City Walk, do you wanna join them?”

“Them? You’re not going?”

“Nah, I kind of wanted to laze around the house. You can go with them though. Go have fun and be a tourist.”

Seungcheol’s mouth spoke before his mind could process anything. “I’ll stay here.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

Joshua translated back to his cousins and Seungcheol watched the ease of how Joshua’s mouth and tone changed with the shift in language.

Finally, after everyone finished eating and getting dressed, Seungcheol and Joshua had the house to themselves. The second Joshua’s family closed the door, Joshua walked to the fridge and changed the number on the whiteboard.

Seungcheol licked his lips and looked away from the sight.

“So what do you wanna do?” Joshua asked. His eyes were dim but his tone seemed genuine, so Seungcheol once more was left without a clue.

“I didn’t expect to do anything.”

“Well do you wanna watch a movie?”

“Um..sure?”

Seungcheol followed Joshua hesitantly to the living room. He suddenly felt out of place in the large spacious room. He awkwardly wobbled to the large sofa and sat pressed against the armrest.

Joshua didn't seem to notice his discomfort. He moved robotically as he reached for the remote. The boy easily switched the source until Seungcheol recognized the Netflix title screen.

Joshua turned to him when the list of movies finished uploading. Seungcheol’s large eyes threatened to roll down his face and into his open mouth. It was too much open attention.

Seungcheol once more knew that apologizing was the best course of action but he continued to delay it as Joshua questioned, “What do you wanna watch?”

Seungcheol bit his lip, “I don't know, whatever is good.”

“You sure? I don’t mind whatever you pick. Well if it’s something with just—”

 

_“—choose a goddamn movie.”_

_“I did.”_

_“Choose again.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Cause I don't like that movie.”_

_“Jeonghan, you can't ask someone for their opinion and then disregard it.”_

_“Of course I can, that's why it's called asking for their opinion.”_

_“You are unbearable.”_

_“And I can't believe you actually wanna watch a chick flick.”_

_“I like—”_

 

“Comedies. Is that okay with you?” Joshua asked.

“Who doesn't like comedies?”

“You would be surprised,” Joshua said with a small smirk. “What do you like?”

“Um…”

“You like action stuff right? I remember you used to always watch them.”

Seungcheol liked action movies but he didn't enjoy them, surprisingly. Somehow, he always got roped into watching them because of Jeonghan.

“...sort of,” Seungcheol began, “I kind of like romance.”

“Yeah?” Joshua, turned back to the television. “I got a great romantic comedy then.”

The title screen moved rapidly as Joshua typed something Seungcheol could not read. Seungcheol suddenly then laughed as he watched the animation on screen, “Anime?” He couldn’t help but ask.

“Yes...now shh I love this anime.”

Seungcheol leaned further into the couch watching the somber beginning of the anime contrast with a blue haired character trying to style his hair. His eyes roamed over the Korean subtitles, when there was a lull, “What is it?”

“Toradora,” Joshua said.

Seungcheol attention fell back to the screen, when the peppy anime opening began. Seungcheol shrugged and let himself get into the mood. WIthin twenty minutes, Seungcheol couldn’t help but notice the similarity of the main male character cleaning and cooking for the female character, and his own actions this morning. He wondered if Joshua had done this purposefully.

He quickly glanced over and saw Joshua mouthing the words as the anime ending began. Seungcheol looked back and smiled as well, preparing for the next episode.

Seungcheol hated to admit it but by the time they were on episode eight, Seungcheol was hooked. He watched the interaction between Ryuuji and Minori carefully, finding himself drawn to the red-headed character.

Suddenly, the scene stopped. Seungcheol turned to Joshua as he stood up and stretched, leaving the television on pause. Joshua looked down at him with a large smile not that much different from the character on screen.

“Want to go eat?”

Seungcheol’s stomach rumbled in reply. He prepared himself for the long winded conversation of deciding where to eat.

 “Yeah, what— “

 

_“Are you craving?”_

_“Mmmm anything is good.”_

_“Okay so dumplings?”_

_“Mmmm...not that.”_

_“Jeonghan.”_

_“Okay, anything is good except that.”_

_“Then what are you craving?”_

_“I don’t—”_

 

“Know. How about pho? There’s a good pho place around here I think,” Joshua said.

“What?”

“Pho? Do you want something else.”

“No that sounds great.”  

Joshua took his mom’s keys and they drove a short distance to the commercial plaza. Joshua parked the car and Seungcheol followed him into the small dine-in restaurant.

A waiter attended them quickly and Seungcheol found himself pleased with the selection.

They chatted idly, mostly over what Seungcheol thought about the anime and what he liked so far. Still, Seungcheol found himself in a strange situation. There was something bubbling under Joshua’s kind shy smiles. Seungcheol wondered when it would break.

They returned home after their meal and colonized the couch to continue watching more of the anime.

Despite that they were on opposite sides of the couch, Seungcheol could feel the moment when Joshua tensed. He looked to the screen in confusion and watched as Kitamura confessed to school body president. Seungcheol immediately understood.

Seungcheol reached for the remote and paused the scene.

The silence consumed the whole house and simmered underneath both their skins. Seungcheol slowly shifted on the couch, the leather creaking as he moved to face Joshua more clearly.

Joshua hesitantly met his look.

“Joshua,” Seungcheol began. “What I said yesterday—”

Joshua’s face shut down in front of him and cut him off, “ I appreciate the effort, you don’t have to do this.”

“But—”

“You feel bad, right?”

Seungcheol let his entire body be open and vulnerable, “Completely.”

“And you felt bad immediately after saying it, right?”

“I wanted to throw up. Everything I said, I didn’t know what came over me. Joshua, I am so—”

“Then, I accept your apology.”

Seungcheol licked his lips. Not quite believing Joshua, but then the dim eyes that he had been seeing for months became bright for a single instant. The brown of his eyes, didn’t light up—that was too cliche—instead, they just stared at him. Seungcheol did not notice that Joshua had been staring past him each time they spoke, this was the first time—god, how long was it? How long had it been since Joshua looked at him? How long had it been for Seungcheol to stare back?   

Joshua furrowed his brows, “You don’t have to prove how sorry you are, it was a mistake and you are kind of right. I’m pathetic.”

Seungcheol scooted across the couch, “I don’t think you’re pathetic.”

Joshua smiled bitterly, “But I kind of am, you’re right I have had a stupid crush on Jeonghan even when you two were together, and honestly, I always hoped he would leave you for me.”

“You never did anything to win Jeonghan’s affections, though. You only remained his friend.”

“Because I respected him...both of you.” Joshua thinned his lips. “I thought long and hard of what you said last night. I have been pathetic and please don’t tell me I’m not. You are the one that is hurting more than me. You actually got to know the part of Jeonghan I never got to see. I’m pathetic in continuing to pine over a man who will never see me more than a brother. I’m struggling to get over him, but I realized last night perhaps the first step in getting over him is accepting your apology and just start over.”

“I thought we decided starting over when we went to Sokcho Beach,” Seungcheol interrupted, “we decided to not let Jeonghan break us apart. We would start new before Jeonghan.”

“No,” Joshua said sternly. He met Seungcheol’s eyes. “Jeonghan is a huge part of both us and I don’t think we can ever say we can just start over or pretend he was never with us. That seems unrealistic. Jeonghan changed us...for the better, but also for the worst. That is going to stay with us for the rest of our lives.”

“So?”

“We start our new lives  _after_ he left us, not before we met him.” Joshua then chuckled, “Which means, I should stop keeping track of how long it’s been since he left, but I’ll work on that. It’s not just gonna disappear within a day, I’ve got to work on it. And I will, just right now,” Another dry chuckle, “I’m going to take baby steps.”

Seungcheol found his body moving without his volition. A small smile upturned his lips as he asked, “How are you so optimistic?”

“I wouldn’t call myself that.”

Seungcheol smile grew larger, “You are,” He said meaning every word. “It’s nice. I need it.”  

Joshua fondly rolled his eyes, “You are so dorky, Seungcheol,” Joshua settled on saying.

The smile fell from Seungcheol’s face and instead he was just surprised and mystified. “I’m dorky?”

“Yeah.”

“Not crazy?”

Joshua chuckled, the sound coming out and moist and filled with life. “Definitely dorky. C’mon we gotta finish this anime so I can show you this entire list of romantic comedy animes.”

Seungcheol bit his lip and leaned back into the couch. He didn’t move from his position though, he remained only a foot away from Joshua. “And you call me the dork.”

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Rating moved up in case you didn't notice. Sorry, if you are not okay with that. I'll make sure to warn you so you can avoid those scenes that are going to appear in future chapters. Please review.


	5. Fo—

One.

                                                                                        Two.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Three.

Fo—

“You can’t sit around the house and watch anime all day,” Joshua heard his mother berate.

Joshua forced a smile as he cut up the eggplant in front of him. He glanced at the digital clock over the oven on his left side. 12:54. At least his mother held out for four more minutes than she did the last few days when she approached him with the same comment. Instead of ignoring it like the last three times, he decided to confront his mother—which really, that was probably what lead up _that_ situation.

 

One.

                                                                                        Two.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Three.

Fo—

“Why not? I’m on vacation,” Joshua replied in the best son voice he could muster.

“It’s not healthy,” She waved the knife in his general direction before she resumed cutting the rest of the vegetables for the soup they would have for lunch.

Joshua’s eye twitched. “You didn’t seem to have a problem with it before I decided to leave LA. You used to encourage it—never letting me go out with friends and…”

“Joshua,” She cut him off quickly so Joshua shut his mouth. “I apologized already I made a mistake. You were my only child and I recently had a divorce—I didn’t want any harm coming to you. But now, you have friends. You have brothers. Go out and explore LA with him.”

Joshua pouted. He grasped the cut pieces of eggplant and placed it in the giant bowl. “I don’t want to.”

“Why?”

“It’s hard to explain.”

“Are you and Seungcheol fighting?”

Joshua tensed. “We aren’t fighting.”

She shot him a forced smile of her own. “Oh, then, am I supposed to ignore the awkward stares and silences each time you are in a room together?”

“We aren’t fighting promise—at least not anymore.” Joshua crossed his arms over his chest and leaned his hip against the counter.

“Then?”

“We are trying to sort out what happened to our group and it’s a little more complicated than just hitting it off like we used to. We aren’t fighting though, so you don’t have to worry.”

“Then what are you?”

“Huh?”

“If you’re not fighting, if you’re not really getting along, then what are you?”

Joshua licked his lips before saying, “Coping.”

“Does it have to do with the numbers on the fridge?”

Joshua’s rib cage curled inward and his skin inflated. _“Mom.”_

His mother put the knife down and faced him. She stood in front of him and Joshua counted the flyaway hairs at her hairline. He counted twelve at the same time she asked, “Joshua is this about Jeonghan?”

 

One.

                                                                                        Two.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Three.

Fo—

_“No.”_

“You’re a such a bad liar.”

“I got it from you. Remember that time you convinced me you were taking me to Disneyland but we just ended up moving to LA?”

“Oh, please you believed it.”

“Cause you're my mom, of course I’m going to believe you. And who lies about Disneyland?”

“Oh that’s sweet,” She lifted her hand and the two gold bracelets on her wrist jingled as she stroked his cheek in a soothing motion. “Don’t try to change the subject,” She slapped him lightly. “But should I be worried?”

“No.”

She glared him down. Two sets of cat eyes stared unblinkingly at each other. Neither wavered.

“I still think getting out of the house would be good for you. Both of you.”

“We go out,” Joshua looked away and knew she had won.

“You go out to buy food.  I mean, go hang out.”

“Where?”

“Am I supposed to think of everything for you?” She wiped her hands on the apron in front of her before returning to her vegetables. “Honestly, Joshua each time you come back home, I’m like my son is going to be this wonderfully independent man with a beautiful partner...”

Joshua grinned, “I can cook now, that’s more than something.”

She chuckled. “That was because Mingyu broke his fingers and all of you had to fend for yourselves for nearly two months.”

“It’s something,” Joshua tried again. His mother gave him another look. Joshua exhaled deeply.  “What if we go to the movies?”

“No. You do that here.”

“I guess we can go…”

“Oh, hello Seungcheol,” Joshua immediately turned to the doorway as his mother switched to Korean.

“Hello,” Seungcheol muttered. Seungcheol regarded him with an open-eyed expression. It made him look twenty-one again. Joshua pressed his lips together in a firm line. Or perhaps,  was it that look that lead them to _that_ situation?

 

One.

                                                                                        Two.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Three.

Fo—

While they had settled the animosity forty-two hours ago, both of them continued to slide around each other. They were two currents going in opposite directions.

Joshua didn’t hate Seungcheol, not one bit. But he didn’t know how to make friends with Seungcheol after everything. Joshua was relieved that Seungcheol felt the same way because he exuded that same awkwardness.

“Do you need any help?” Seungcheol asked Joshua’s mother.

She smiled softly. “You can skin and cut the carrots for me.” She handed him three carrots, resting on a cutting board with a knife. Seungcheol took it as an offering. “Thank you.”

The conversation between Joshua and his mother disintegrated into zero. His mother while abrasive, did have tact, and respected Joshua’s privacy. She carried and held the conversation between the two with ease and poise, guiding any awkward conversation into twisted transformative safe ends.

By the time they finished cooking, Joshua saw his cousins and aunt seated at the table.

Joshua set plates in front of his cousins. “Freeloaders,” He muttered.

They all smiled widely at him, knowing it to be true.

Joshua’s family and Seungcheol ate in peace. There was however, a brief awkward moment when David had asked him why he didn’t want to run anymore. Seungcheol looked down at his soup. Joshua hadn’t seen Seungcheol run since they had their fight.

 

One.

                                                                                        Two.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Three.

Fo—

 Joshua saved Seungcheol from answering by cutting them off.  “Hey, Seungcheol.”

“Hmm?”

“Do you wanna go out later today?” Joshua asked in Korean. He felt his mother’s stare at both of them.

“Where?” A crease formed between Seungcheol’s brows.

Joshua awkwardly gestured. “Out.”

“Sure.”

After lunch, Joshua stole his mother’s keys and drove with Seungcheol. LA traffic wasn’t that bad considering it was the middle of the week and only late afternoon. So it only took thirty seven minutes to reach the destination Joshua had in mind.

As he parked in the streets of a residential area, Joshua could see Seungcheol’s confused face in the passenger seat. He shut off the car and climbed out, Seungcheol following him.

They walked in silence until they reached a park and a random hill trail.

“Where are we?” Seungcheol finally asked.

“The sunken city,” Joshua replied.

“The what?”

“It’s this old city built in the twenties. There was a landslide and the houses and streets tumbled into the ocean. A lot of people come here to hike now.” Joshua took a step onto the elevated trail from the sidewalk.

“Oh, so why is there’s a fence?”

“Yeah, it’s not exactly legal. It’s actually trespassing,” Joshua muttered, walking down the uneven terrain.

Seungcheol gave him a look. “Have you been here before?”

“No, but from what I heard a bunch of junkies come here to smoke weed and get drunk. And there’s graffiti all over the place.”

Seungcheol chuckled. “And you brought me here?”

“Yeah, they say it’s really nice. A few old high school friends would drive up here and sneak in but I was never allowed to go. They said someone dug a hole in the dirt so you can climb under the fence, or you can climb over the cliff edge through the park over there and shimmy over.”

“That seems dangerous.”

“My friend Brandon said he saw an old lady climb the fence once, if it comes down to that. I’m sure we can do it,” Joshua teased. His fingers brushed against five of the metal bars.

“Hey what happened to your friend?”

“He lives in Chicago now. He’s the manager of this pathology and medicine lab.”

“That’s cool.”

“Hmmm…” Joshua hummed. He hadn’t had contact with Brandon in a few years now, so he wasn’t even sure if he was still in Chicago. Joshua decided not to dwell. Instead, he focused on the obvious hole under the fence. “And here it is.”

Joshua turned his back to the bars and crouched until his back made contact with the ground. He pulled his arms out first to grip onto the metal bars, then he pulled himself the rest of the way inside.

He wiped the dirt that had collected all over his clothes and smiled at Seungcheol from the other side. Slowly his smile fell as Seungcheol only stared.

“What?”

“When did you get so adventurous?”

Joshua shrugged. “Now, I guess. I’ve always wanted to come here.”

Seungcheol grinned resulting in Joshua’s smile to return. Seungcheol climbed through the hole although, he had to wiggle a little more to fit through, but he managed and Joshua helped him wipe the dirt from his back once he was back on his feet.

“Good?” Joshua asked.

Seungcheol nodded.

Joshua counted fifty steps until they reached the edge of the trail. Both of them gasped.

“Woah,” Seungcheol breathed.

“Yeah.”

Joshua’s eyes inspected the hundreds of concrete walls fallen on the ground. Some areas were raised higher than others and some palm trees managed to break through the concrete and continue growing. On the walls were hundreds if not thousands of graffiti marks. It didn’t look vandalized though, it looked like a communal piece of art.

Joshua sucked in a breath and got a taste of the salty ocean, crashing against the cliff side. It overpowered the smell of weed from a few people of varying ages, lying on the ground passing a joint from one another.

Joshua knocked his shoulder against Seungcheol as the other stared at those puffing out smoke.

“Don’t stare.” Joshua whispered.

“Are they smoking weed?”

Joshua nodded, knowing Seungcheol had only seen stuff like that from movies. Seungcheol turned away from them and let his eyes take in the rest of the sunken city.

“Can we go to the edge?” Seungcheol suddenly asked.

Joshua looked to three teengaers sitting on the edge. “They are, I don’t see why not?”

They hiked toward it, stumbling slightly at the uneven ground. When they reached a wall that rested on the cliff’s edge at a forty-five degree angle, Seungcheol climbed up without any effort. Joshua on the other hand, struggled slightly. Seungcheol returned down and helped pull him up.

When they were both finally seated on the jagged rocks, letting their feet hang over the cliff’s side, both of them sighed.

“This is incredible,” Seungcheol marveled.

“Yeah,” Joshua muttered, sighing.

His eyes went to the horizon, wondering what the others were up to on the other side of that ocean. Seungcheol seemed to have the same thought and became strangely silent. But it wasn’t stiffening.

The silence wrapped around every muscle in Joshua’s body, reached inside his lungs and made him exhale all the dust and toxicity that had gathered in there. Joshua upturned his lips and leaned back on his hands taking in the view.

He had never felt more at peace.

Staring at the expanse of the ocean from this altitude made him cognizantly aware of how big the world was, how wide his own world could be. Joshua suddenly got the urge to grow.

The two of them could have been there for a few minutes or hours. In months, Joshua did not keep count of the seconds thinking. He was at peace.

“Okay, I’m ready,” Seungcheol said with a breath of finality and calmness.

Joshua realized the sun was starting to drag toward the horizon and they were the only ones left on the sunken city. Joshua nodded. Seungcheol stood first.

No warning.

The ground collapsed beneath Seungcheol’s feet.

Seungcheol screamed.

Joshua panicked.

It lead them to _this_ moment.

 

One.

                                                                                        Two.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Three.

Fo—

Four seconds. That’s how long it took Joshua to climb down the cliff and catch Seungcheol before he stumbled further down.

Joshua found apress to the cliffside where he can stand on two feet. He clung to a rock behind him as he held onto Seungcheol’s wrist. Seungcheol cried in pain. Seungcheol’s right hand had caught a rock in the cliff as well, keeping Joshua from holding all his weight and taking them both down.

“I got you,” Joshua panted, through the strain in his voice. His clung tightly, nails digging into Seungcheol’s wrist.

Seungcheol looked down. The waves crashed against the rocks beneath the cliff. The sound roared in their ear, driving their eardrums to beat violently.  “Joshua,” Seungcheol’s voice came out wet.

“I got you. I got you,” Joshua repeated. He looked around, hoping to see something to help drag Seungcheol up. There was nothing. “Fuck!” Joshua shouted, loudly. The sound echoed. “Fuck!”  His shoulder ached from holding Seungcheol, he needed to get him up fast. “Okay. I’m going to need you to let go and grab onto my hand,” He said, but except Seungcheol wasn’t paying attention. His gaze was locked on the rocks below. _“Seungcheol!”_

“You aren’t strong enough to pull me up,” Seungcheol cried out.

“I know I’m not, but it’s the only way I’m going to pull you up. You can’t hold your weight forever.”

“I’m going to die.”

“SEUNGCHEOL! Take my fucking hand!”

Seungcheol craned his neck. Joshua saw the fear. But also trust. Seungcheol let go of the rock and quickly latched onto Joshua’s arm. There was half a second where Joshua’s stomach collapsed from fear that he was going to drop both of them. He didn’t.

He screamed at the weight and dragged Seungcheol upwards onto the small footing placement Joshua found himself. Seungcheol collapsed onto him.

Joshua wrapped his arms around him as Seungcheol began to cry. The rocks behind him dug painfully into his back, but he didn’t care. Seungcheol was safe.

“Seungcheol,” Joshua whispered. “You need to climb up.”

Seungcheol shook his head.

“You’re safe. I got you. C’mon.”

Seungcheol took incomplete, shaky breaths but nodded. He reached on the ledge above and pulled himself up. Joshua was next.

They collapsed beside each other, each one panting. Joshua looked to his left and saw Seungcheol’s body wrought from shivers.

Joshua got to his knees then his feet, lifting Seungcheol next.

Joshua didn't speak and neither did Seungcheol. Joshua helped him walk out of the sunken city and under the fence. Once they reached the street on their way back to the car, Seungcheol had stopped shaking, but Joshua noticed he was walking with a limp. He hoped Seungcheol hadn't sprained anything.

Joshua opened the car and helped Seungcheol onto the passenger seat. Seungcheol’s hand shook slightly as he reached for the seat belt.

Joshua signed going to the other side of the car. When he sat down, the warm dry air inside the car, made him realize how much he was sweating.

His own hands shook, trying to place the key into the ignition. “Fuck,” Joshua hissed repeatedly until he was successful on his fifth attempt.  He took a long inhale and exhale before driving back home.

Every four minutes, Joshua glanced to his right, checking to see if Seungcheol was still there. He thought he had lost him, another friend. Seungcheol’s head was pressed against the window while his hands were hidden deep within his hoodie.

Joshua sighed, not saying anything.

They got home and Joshua helped Seungcheol out of the car. Reaching the front door, Joshua could hear the muffled sound of a tv.

“Your mom can’t see me like this,” Seungcheol said.

Joshua wanted to retort, but for once he didn’t question it. He nodded and slowly stepped away from Seungcheol. The man stood up straight as Joshua pushed open the door.

Joshua’s mother sat in the living room with a smile on her face.

“Have fun?” She asked.

Seungcheol smiled bravely, “The best.”

Joshua saw speck of red on Seungcheol’s white hoodie. He gasped and pressed close to Seungcheol to avoid his mother’s observant gaze.

“Yeah and we are super tired, so we are going to go to bed.”

His mother nodded and turned back to her nighttime television, not sparing another glance. At that Joshua, slung Seungcheol’s arm over his shoulder and helped him up the stairs.

They made to the guest bedroom. Joshua felt Seungcheol’s weight lean to the side toward the bed. Joshua grunted, taking him those last few steps to the attached guest bathroom.

Once inside, he let Seungcheol collapse on the closed toilet seat. Meanwhile, Joshua shut the door with a lock and dashed to the cabinet under the sink, searching for the first aid kit. His eyes caught the small white box with a red cross and he caught it madly. He opened it quickly and then turned to Seungcheol who was watching him curiously.

“You’re bleeding,” Joshua said.

He reached forward when Seungcheol nodded his consent. He helped Seungcheol out his hoodie and t-shirt. A shaky breath tumbled out of his lips.

The damage could have been much worse, but it was still bad. Several scrape marks were on Seungcheol’s chest and back from where he had tried to desperately cling to anything to keep him from falling.

Joshua reached for the alcohol and cotton balls first. Seungcheol flinched as the wet cotton ball pressed against his sensitive skin. Once Joshua, felt his marks were cleaned, he applied an ointment.

Now all that was left was to examine Seungcheol’s left leg. It didn’t take much coercing to have Seungcheol remove his pants. He sat back on the toilet seat and Joshua saw the problem at the back of Seungcheol’s calf all the way to his ankle. It was another scrape, these deeper than those on his upper body.

Joshua moved methodically. Cleaning it and grabbing a bandage to keep it from getting infected. Once he finished, Joshua pressed his forehead to Seungcheol’s knee.

“I’m sorry,” He spoke. “I shouldn’t have taken you there.”

“It was an accident. It wasn’t your fault,” Seungcheol said.

Joshua pushed away and looked up at Seungcheol. “Still I—”

His breath hitched as Seungcheol reached for his hand. Joshua hadn’t realized he had scraped his hand as well. It was bleeding, but now that Seungcheol drew attention to it, Joshua could feel it burn and sting.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Seungcheol said again, reaching for the first aid kit. He placed Joshua’s hand in his lap as he helped him clean up the small wound.

“It feels like it.”

“If we hadn’t gone you wouldn’t have almost—”

“I’m good.” Seungcheol finished with his hand.

Joshua bit his lip as he stood. _“Are you?”_

Seungcheol stood to his feet as well and stared down at him. He thought he would get his friend’s bravado. Instead, Seungcheol shook his head and began to cry again. Seungcheol reached out for a hug and Joshua pulled him in.

“Before I fell,” Seungcheol began to hiccup, “The last thought I had was that I didn’t need Jeonghan in my life anymore. I could survive without him.”

Joshua couldn’t stop the scoff from escaping his mouth. “What a fucked up universe, right?”

Seungcheol nodded against his shoulder. “I guess the universe was trying to prove me wrong.”

Joshua quickly felt his shirt getting soaked near his collar. He didn’t want Seungcheol to cry anymore. He rubbed his hand on Seungcheol’s back and pulled away from him just a bit so he could look into Seungcheol’s face.

There was snot on his upper lip making it glisten. Joshua wiped it away. “Or maybe the universe was trying to tell you something different?”

“Like what?”

“You don’t only need him to survive.”

Seungcheol was silent. Like this, Joshua could feel Seungcheol shaking underneath his fingertips.

“Let’s go to bed,” Joshua said. He guided Seungcheol out of the bathroom and laid him on the bed gently.

“Stay.”

Joshua froze as he felt Seungcheol grip onto the hand that wasn’t injured.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

Joshua nodded. He shed his pants and climbed in next to Seungcheol. He got comfortable on the bed. Once his head rested on the pillow, he looked at Seungcheol, who was watching him intently.

Joshua wanted to question it, but part of him didn’t want to hear what had to be said. Joshua knew that with his statement in the bathroom, something had shifted between them. And in Seungcheol’s eyes, Joshua could see Seungcheol tearing that statement apart and drawing conclusions that Joshua himself was nowhere near reaching or accepting.

So he shut his eyes and in                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       One.

                                                                                                                                                                                             Two.

                                                                                    Three.

Fo—

Joshua fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys please, I would really appreciate a review on this chapter. I worked really hard on all the symbolism and the feeling and it would be really great if you could leave what you thought about this chapter.
> 
> As a side note the sunken city is a totally real place in los angeles that my friends and i used to go to, until one of us almost died so we don't go anymore. You should check out the pictures, it is beautiful though. 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @mansae-for-seventeen


	6. Friends? Friends.

Seungcheol heard a chime upon waking up. Disorientation hit him from all sides, but the warmth along the left side of his body had him sucking in a breath of air. He blearily opened his eyes and the amount of stimulation made him tense all over. Joshua, sleeping, had his body strewn over Seungcheol’s own. Joshua’s leg had tangled with his sometime in the middle of the night and Seungcheol, embarrassingly had his fingers digging harshly into Joshua’s thigh.

Slowly he let go, his fingers aching from holding onto Joshua so long. However, as soon as he placed his fingers on the mattress, he felt Joshua fidget above him. Seungcheol froze.

Joshua seemed less embarrassed by their position and slowly pulled back until they were no longer touching.

“Hey,” Joshua muttered, voice still hoarse from sleep.

  


_—”Good morning.”_

_“It’s way too early for this...stop.”_

_“But you love good morning kisses.”_

_“Mmmmm...I do.”_

_“Did you—”_

  


“—sleep well?” Seungcheol asked.  

“I should be asking you that.”

Seungcheol licked his lips, unable to shake Joshua’s touch from his skin. He hadn’t—not in so long—Seungcheol coughed, “Yeah, I’m fine.”  

Joshua stretched his lips into a forced smile as he pulled further away. Seungcheol’s eyes scanned quickly Joshua’s body and noticed every muscle tightened. It slightly eased Seungcheol to realize that Joshua had felt just as uncomfortable by this and was just putting on a facade. Joshua kept reeling backward until he sat at the edge of the bed where he proceeded to grab his phone from the nightstand. Seungcheol saw he had a new message.

Seungcheol quickly got up and headed to the bathroom. He grabbed a towel and did his best to avoid looking at Joshua. He shut the door and slipped out of his boxers, undid the bandage wrapped around his leg, and turned on the shower.

Seungcheol didn’t wait long for the water to heat. Rather, he jumped inside bracing himself for the cold. Joshua’s touch slid down his body and into the drain. It’s not like he hated Joshua’s touch, hate was too strong of a word, disliked seemed more fitting. After all, he had only ever let Jeonghan touch him like that. Unconsciously allowing another person to curl and melt into him made his skin itch.

Seungcheol reached for the soap.

He wiped down his arms lost in thought. He couldn’t understand why he even felt guilty. Seungcheol found himself pondering if he even had a right to feel guilty?

Jeonghan and he had broken up.

There was nothing to feel guilty about.

Seungcheol flinched as the bathroom door opened.

“It’s me,” Joshua said. “Just wanted to brush my teeth.”  

  


_“—Sure.”_

_“What’s that supposed to mean?”_

_“You sure you didn’t want to get a glimpse of me naked.”_

_“I’ve seen you naked before.”_

_“When?”_

_“Cheolie, we just slept together.”_

_“Oh, yeah. I—”_

  


“—should be out soon, so you can use the shower next,” Seungcheol said rapidly, trying to shake off the memory.

“Okay, thanks.”

Seungcheol quickly wiped down his body and rinsed his hair. When he was clean, he waited for Joshua to leave the bathroom before shutting off the water. He grabbed a nearby towel wiping himself dry and wrapping it securely around his body. He took a few deep breaths and then exited the bathroom.

Joshua didn’t even look his way as he entered the bathroom after him. When the door shut, Seungcheol went to the dresser. Maybe, he was looking too much into things.

Yeah, he was definitely looking too much into things Seungcheol decided after an hour later he was sitting in a Denny’s with Joshua and his cousins.

Seungcheol chewed his American pancakes watching the conversation between them. He only caught every fifteenth word or so, but Seungcheol understood enough to know they were cracking jokes at Joshua’s expense.

Joshua did his best to keep him in the loop, not a single trace of awkwardness left, which Seungcheol did not understand. Joshua that morning had finished his shower, gotten dressed, and helped rebandage Seungcheol’s leg. He even went as far as to make sure that when Joshua’s cousins invited them out that they were to only go to Denny’s and nowhere else.

Joshua dotted on him and Seungcheol understood why Joshua was behaving this way. Yesterday had been a scare to both of them. Seungcheol had been terrified but that was yesterday. The emotional breakdown last night left him feeling like he didn’t need to really dwell on it too much. And while he did appreciate and feel comfortable enough with Joshua to allow him to see him in such a state, Seungcheol began to slightly regret it if Joshua was going to behave this way.

He began to squish a piece of his pancake into a pool of syrup that had formed around his plate and looked up when Joshua addressed him in Korean.

“They keep asking me why you look so down.”

A knot formed between his eyebrows, “I’m fine.” He looked at them and smiled broadly, pooling his English together, “I’m good! I’m amazing!”

They seem convinced enough that they resumed their conversation in English with Joshua.

When they returned home, Joshua helped Seungcheol out of the car and that’s when Seungcheol decided enough was enough.  

He couldn’t have Joshua doing everything for him.

So when it was time for bed again, Seungcheol sat on the mattress and stated more than asked, “I want to learn English.”

“What?”

“I want to learn English.”

“Is it about this morning? I’m sorry; I’ll do better to translate.”

“No, you’re doing fine. I’ve been meaning to learn, now seems like a good time.”

Joshua didn’t seem convinced, “You’ve had plenty of opportunities before. Why now?”

Seungcheol shrugged. The bed dipped as Joshua sat beside him. Joshua reached out to place a comforting hand on his shoulder and Seungcheol reacted before thinking. He brushed off Joshua’s hand more harshly than intended.

Joshua looked at him with wide eyes and then rested his hands in his lap. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Seungcheol lied, a knot forming in his throat.

“No, I know I’ve been a little on your case all day. I’m sorry.”

Seungcheol snorted, “Would we call it a little?”

“Okay, I’ve been acting like a helicopter mom.”

“Yeah, it’s starting to get annoying.”

“I’m just still shaken up from yesterday.”

“Don’t be.”

“But yesterday—”

“—Yeah. It _was_ yesterday. I didn’t die and I only got a way with a scratch. I’m fine now.”

_“Are you?”_

“I’m doing _better_. I needed that. And thank you for being there last night for me.”

“It was the least I could do for nearly murdering you.”

“Is that what you were trying to do?”

“Shut up. I was trying to get us to be closer like we used to be before.”

“Why? Oh god, that sounded terrible. I didn’t mean it like that.” Seungcheol brought both hands around his head in embarrassment and lowered them when Joshua smiled softly.

“I know what you mean. I’m just tired of being in this I don’t know what I am with you anymore stage. Each time we talk, we keep saying we will be good, we won’t let Jeonghan affect us anymore, but it doesn’t seem to be working. We are still so awkward with each other and I realized it this morning and I kept asking myself are we even still friends?”

“I like to think we are,” Seungcheol began, “But, you have a point. We’re not friends friends. But I would like to have a friendship with you preferably one that doesn’t have you hovering over me afraid like I’m going to break.”

“I can do that.”

Seungcheol met Joshua’s eyes carefully. The knot plunked to his stomach dissolving and warming his entire body. Seungcheol did not know what to make of his body’s reaction. So he coughed and rubbed his palms along the top of his jeans. “Good,” He muttered, before deflecting. “So back to the English? Can you teach me?”

“If you give me a reason why.” Joshua’s lips curled. It made Seungcheol give an exasperated sigh to let out some of the heat forming deeper inside him. “ C’mon this isn’t me hovering,” Joshua continued to tease. “I really just want to know...as friends.”

When Joshua softened his tone a little more, Seungcheol realized that Joshua was genuinely curious. He sighed and fell back onto the bed. Joshua looked down at him. “I’m tired of feeling like an invalid here. I want to be able to have more freedom and I hadn’t realized before how languages were part of that freedom.”

“It’s not like we are staying here that long. I was planning to head back in about a week and a half.”

“What if I could convince you to stay here longer?”

“You want to stay longer?” Joshua questioned with confusion.

Seungcheol looked up at the ceiling. “I like it here and it’s not like we are missing out on anything back in South Korea. We aren’t expected to get back to work until September and it's only May.”

The silence on the other end forced Seungcheol to look at Joshua. He seemed deep in thought but after a moment the creases between his brows smoothed down. “I would like to spend more time here with my mom.”

“So that’s a yes?”

“Yes, Seungcheol.”

Before Seungcheol could express his gratitude, Joshua’s phone dinged with an incoming message. Joshua pulled out his phone from his pocket and sighed.

“What is it?” Seungcheol asked.

“It’s just Seokmin,” Joshua replied awkwardly. “I’ll reply later.”

He put his phone away and stood. “I’ll take the bathroom first if that’s okay with you?”

“Yeah.”

Seungcheol’s attention returned to the ceiling. The freshly dissolved knot had chilled as soon as Joshua had left the room. However, there was no lonely feeling attached to it only cool acceptance.

When both of them were finished with their nightly routines, they both settled on the bed without a single protest and Seungcheol began to quickly appreciate another person’s company besides his own in the dark.

In the morning and for the entire week for that matter, Joshua took his role as an English teacher seriously. Joshua had printed several pages that he found online to help him learn, although a few of the pages that were clearly meant for younger children, bruised Seungcheol’s ego. Joshua had laughed for hours when he had brought out the pages with different crayons, much to Seungcheol’s annoyance.

When Joshua’s cousins became informed that Seungcheol was learning English they had taken the habit of pointing to different things and gave him the English word. Seungcheol greatly appreciated and during his morning jogs with David, David helped quiz him. And when it was finally night time, Seungcheol lied beside Joshua in bed and they worked on pronunciation until one of them fell asleep.

It was such an immersive experience that when it was finally the middle of May, Seungcheol felt confident enough to have some short conversations.

Seungcheol was in the living room with Joshua watching a random superhero movie with the subtitles in English so Seungcheol could read and follow along when Joshua’s cousins came into the room.

“Hey, we are heading to downtown want to come with?” Kayla asked, leaning against the couch.

Joshua paused the movie when Seungcheol asked in English, “Where are we go in downtown?”

“Going,” Joshua corrected. Seungcheol made a mental note of that.

“It’s art walk week,” Tommy said. “I wanted to check it out before we leave in two days.”

“Yeah, and I wanted to see The Last Bookstore. So....Coups, wanna come?”

“Yes, I would like to,” Seungcheol replied, his confidence growing with every word as Kayla smiled.

“Great! I’m driving!”

“Great,” Joshua muttered, “She’s going to—”

  


_—”Kill us all.”_

_“Am not, Cheol. You’re being dramatic.”_

_“You’re the dramatic one.”_

_“For that one, you can drive yourself!”_

_“Aww, Jeonghan you know I’m not being—”_

  


—”Serious! I am one hundred percent serious,” Joshua repeated excitedly beside him as they exited the car and arrived in downtown. “If we were to take Wonwoo to this bookstore we would lose him.”

“It can’t be that big,” Seungcheol said, looking around the tall buildings around him.

“It’s not but there's a bunch of cool places to hide in there. You’ll see in a minute.”

And Seungcheol did. He was utterly amazed the second he entered into the bookstore. Somewhere along to his left, he heard Kayla and Tommy squeal and they jogged toward the comic book section at the back of the store and David went somewhere to his right toward a bunch of records.

Seungcheol, on the other hand, was taking in all the sights and colors. The cash register table was made completely out of worn-out books glued together. On the first floor, there seemed to be a section for everything. Seungcheol read them slowly, there was a fashion section, classic literature, sports.

Seungcheol hadn’t pictured himself as the type to get excited over a bookstore but here he was in awe.

“C’mon,” Joshua nudged him. “The cool stuff is upstairs.”

Seungcheol followed Joshua carefully and avoided bumping into any people. They passed by a small stage with an old leather lounge chair and toward a very dark corner at the back.

Joshua pressed the button for the elevator.

“Why are you doing that? The stairs are right there,” Seungcheol said.

“Yeah, but doesn’t your leg still hurt?”

Seungcheol licked his lips, at times it gave him twinges but nothing too big that a flight of stairs would hurt him. He rolled his eyes and pulled on Joshua’s sleeve. “I’m good, mom. ” They climbed up the stairs with Joshua laughing behind him.

“I’m just making sure you don’t break your hip, old man.”

“Haha, that one never gets old,” Seungcheol remarked.

“Would you like to me to mention your terrible old man knees instead? Or how about you use bangs that you are secretly a forty-year-old man in disguise.”

Seungcheol wondered what the repercussions would be if he pushed Joshua down the stairs. He held back only because of the display right at the top of the stairs.

It was a typewriter spewing paper to the ceiling. It was utterly whimsical that it made Seungcheol smile. Joshua bypassed him and quickly Seungcheol lost him in the crowd of people.

He walked around the winding bookcases and jumped out of his skin when Joshua appeared behind a stack of books with a gaping hole in the middle. Joshua fell into a stream of giggles that Seungcheol fell into as well.

When their laughter died down, Joshua took him around the second floor and showed him an overhead bridge of books. Both of them walked underneath the twinkling lights strung underneath and for a moment Seungcheol wished he could experience this with Jeonghan. But he realized he didn’t need Jeonghan to enjoy this. He could do just fine without him, his survival last week was proof of that. He didn’t need Jeonghan to survive. He could do this on his own.

He nearly jumped out of his skin as Joshua stepped on a creaky floorboard.

Joshua sent him a sheepish grin and continued walking.

They made their way to even more bookcases and Seungcheol watched Joshua pull out a book at random.

He waved the muted blue book in the air, “C’mon, show me what you’ve learned so far.”

Joshua walked behind a bookcase to reveal a small worn out couch. They both sat on it, thighs and shoulders touching. Neither of them made a comment about it and instead, Joshua laid out the book between his lap.

“Sound out the title,” Joshua said in English.

“The...His..sto...ry...History of Love.” Seungcheol read which Joshua translated when he was done.

Seungcheol flipped to the back and read the summary fairly choppily. He struggled with a few words but Joshua patiently helped him through it. “Fourteen-year-old Alma Singer is trying to find a cure for her mother’s loneliness. Believing that she might discover it in an old book her mother is lovingly translating, she sets out in search of its author. Across New York, an old man named Leo Gursky is trying to survive a little bit longer. He spends his days dreaming of the lost love who, sixty years go in Poland, inspired him to write a book.”

When Joshua finished translating the words he didn’t know, Seungcheol flipped through the pages. He wished he could read English fluently so he would be able to read the story. So he settled on reading random pages and sentences Joshua pointed out to him.

Seungcheol sat on the couch with Joshua longer than expected. Nearly two hours later, Joshua’s cousins found them and asked them if they wanted to get tacos across the street.

The five of them a few minutes later had a table of their own in a small taco shop and chowed down quickly the multi-colored tacos presented in front of them. All together they might have consumed over twenty tacos, but it wasn’t such a big deal as their next adventure in downtown LA had them walking to the arts district.

Seungcheol wasn’t that much of an art person but he followed Joshua and his cousins underneath the twinkling lights hanging from the street. Galleries opened their doors to the public and crowds of people walked freely from one to the next. The only art to truly catch his attention were these record players painted with different abstract designs. It seemed something Hansol would enjoy or something to even have in Jihoon’s studio.

By the time, they left the final gallery it was near midnight. Seungcheol expected them to return to their parking spot and head home, but none of them seemed ready to leave.

Joshua seemed sheepish as he suggested, “We can always go to Eighty-two.”

“That’s far,” Tommy complained.

“It’s only a ten-minute walk from here and we can Uber it back to the car when we are done,” David suggested.

Everyone seemed to enjoy this plan and Seungcheol felt filled with pride that he could offer some input now that he understood a quarter of the conversation.

The walk as David promised was only ten minutes. At times, Seungcheol felt apprehensive walking down dark streets with suspicious people on corners but Joshua and the others didn’t seem rattled so Seungcheol tried to ignore it as well.

He left the dingy streets behind and came across a large painted warehouse. The blues and purples caught Seungcheol’s attention in a strange way. They almost seemed to blend into the night if it weren’t for the litany of large eyes painted on the walls. A rather large one stared at Seungcheol ominously staring deep within him to places he himself dared not to venture.

He forced himself to look away and entered the warehouse with the others.

The inside was a stark contrast. Several old school arcade games lined the walls and middle of the walkways, lighting up the room sporadically. There wasn’t a child in sight as Seungcheol took note that nearly everyone had some alcohol in their hand. Those that were playing vigorously on the arcade games had a nice friend or partner holding their drink for them as they cheered them on.

“So?” Joshua asked him.

“This is cool,” Seungcheol said, watching Joshua’s cousins race to the Street Fighter game. Joshua walked to them to say, “I’ll get us our drinks.”

The three nodded and gave him his order. Seungcheol followed Joshua to the bar pushed against the back of the arcade. “What do you want?” Joshua asked him.

“Just whatever is on tap.”

Joshua nodded and got the bartender’s attention ordering quickly and then a beer for himself. Seungcheol raised a brow at that.

“What?” Joshua asked defensively as the bartender went to make their drinks.

“I’m just surprised you would want to come here.”

“It's been on my bucket list of things to try,” Joshua’s attention drifted as he watched a group of people huddled around a man playing Tetris.

Seungcheol watched Joshua intently instead. It struck him as odd that Joshua even wanted to try this in the first place. It didn’t seem like his type of scene at all. The Joshua he knew preferred to take quiet walks outside and go look at art and shit, not this whatever the hell it was.

Joshua turned around as their drinks were laid out in front of them. Joshua picked up what looked to be rum and coke and took a tiny sip before asking Seungcheol to help him carry the drinks. He gave his cousins the drinks and guided Seungcheol to an open arcade game. Seungcheol trailed after him, both beer bottles in hand.

Joshua stopped in front of Marvel vs Capcom and asked him, “Want to play?”

Seungcheol shrugged, took a giant sip of his beer, before setting it down on the ground. Joshua fished around for some quarters and began the game.

Joshua immediately chose Chun-Li and Megaman while Seungcheol picked Wolverine and Captain America. Seungcheol expected the game to be light hearted but Joshua wasn’t holding back. After a few rounds and about five more beers, the two of them were shouting obscenities and trying to shove each other away from the joystick.

In the end, Joshua ended up losing and Seungcheol might have done an embarrassing dance to commemorate his victory. Joshua laughed obnoxiously bending over the arcade game and laughing even more as he nearly spilled his drink.

Seungcheol doubled over laughing as well and took hold of Joshua, leading him outside to get some fresh air.

They leaned against the wall, breathing in the cold air. Seungcheol took a few lungfuls and belatedly realized the eye was in between him and Joshua. Seungcheol snorted, not sure why. He blamed it on the buzz settling in his head.

He shut his eyes.

Well, this was fun. He hadn’t felt this exhilarated in ages. He basked in the moment, the sounds of occasional cars passing by nearly lulling him to sleep. He flinched as he heard a loud chime beside him.

Joshua groaned as he pulled out his phone.

“What is it?” Seungcheol asked, turning to him.

“Seokmin,” Joshua said a little uncomfortably. He pocketed his phone without replying.

“It could be an emergency.”

“It’s not.”

“Oh.” Seungcheol shut his eyes again.

“Hey,” Joshua shattered the silence. Seungcheol opened his eyes again. “Can I ask you a question?”

  
  


_“Sure, shoot.”_

_“If I were to die, would you be capable of falling in love with someone else?”_

_“What the hell, Jeonghan?!”_

_“It’s only a hypothetical question.”_

_“One that I’m not answering,”_

_“C’mon, it’s only a hypothetical question, no harm.”_

_“I don’t know. Would you like me to?”_

_“Mmmm, I want you to answer this without my opinion.”_

_“That’s new for you.”_

_“Shut up. Just answer the question.”_

_“I think I would.”_

_“Good.”_

_“I’m—”_

  


—”Sorry, zoned out. What was your question?”

“Are you still sure about wanting to stay in LA a little longer?”

“Yeah.”

Joshua bowed his head and smiled softly. “Good.”

Seungcheol felt his heart smashing repeatedly against his ribcage. He knew what his body was trying to tell him but Seungcheol wasn’t sure he was ready for it...or even wanted it. So he looked ahead and kept silent, pushing that fleeting feeling away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. I always say this each chapter. Anyway, all these places are real and are a few of my favorite dtla places to go to. [LINK](https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_hXMAcBrx-TMlItOW8zdGNEMjQ/view?usp=sharing) to a few pictures.
> 
> Please give me feedback.


	7. One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! <3

A single recessed light over the sink sprinkled a muted yellow glow in the kitchen. The light clung to half of Joshua’s body and casted the other in shadows. Silence bathed the rooms and halls, and the only thing audible to Joshua was the trashing of his heart against his chest and sounding in his ears. 

Joshua stood in front of the fridge. His fingers clung tightly to a green expo marker, letting it hover a few inches from the magnetic whiteboard. His hand shook, the tremors traveling down to his elbow. 

The sane part of his brain that liked routine told him to continue to slave away his peace of mind to the number—the number that counted the distance of his friendship with Jeonghan. He needed to keep counting the hours upon Jeonghan’s leave of absence. 

But for what? What purpose did it serve? The other part of his brain—the part that had experienced and felt so much in just two weeks asked.  

Joshua realized, he did not have an answer, at least not anymore. 

Everything he had set in place to keep himself sane and moving had fallen apart in only two weeks. He thought he would have been more upset about that fact. Instead, he felt strangely relieved. 

He pressed his lips together and carefully returned the marker to the whiteboard. He licked his lips and took a step back. 

His eyes roamed the blank slate of the board. He suddenly wanted to rush back and cover the board in numbers. For a second, he almost did. Two heavy footsteps that struck against the tile floor sounding like a ticking clock made him hesitate. 

The patter of feet stopped at the entrance of the kitchen. 

“Joshua,” An equally heavy voice filled the kitchen. “I feel like I need to apologize.”

Tentatively, Joshua pulled his body away from the magnetic whiteboard to turn in Seungcheol’s direction. They locked eyes, but Seungcheol quickly cast his gaze to the ground.  It gave Joshua the courage to step aside and give Seungcheol a clear view of the blank whiteboard. 

Joshua’s footsteps against the tile forced Seungcheol to look up again. 

Joshua watched carefully as for a blip of a second Seungcheol’s forehead wrinkled in surprise only to be replaced with a small upturn of lips.

Joshua returned the smile, his lips curving far more than Seungcheol’s. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” Joshua said.

Joshua felt like he was counting for the very first time.

One. Two.

Three. Four.

Five. Six steps until Joshua stood directly in front of him. 

 

Six

 

Joshua had wanted to explore random places in SoCal with Seungcheol, but did not know what to expect when he dragged him to Old Town Pasadena. The plan was merely to steer Seungcheol away from the usual tourist destinations they often visited when they came to Los Angeles for concerts or film shootings. 

Pasadena seemed like a good place to start.

The area was trendy with random bars, boutiques, and events. 

But Joshua remembered as they parked the car in one of the many overpriced parking lots, that Pasadena was only fun if one knew what events were happening...or where they were for that fact.

“We’re lost, aren’t we?” Seungcheol asked him with a slight chuckle. 

“We can’t get lost,” Joshua replied. “Old Town is just two really long streets. We just got to keep heading down.”

“So where are we?”

“Right in front of Pottery Barn,” Joshua said, once he saw the shop up ahead.

“Okay, so from here, we go where?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

Joshua shrugged. “I didn’t exactly make a plan.”

“You can’t bring someone out and not make a plan.”

“Of course you can...I just did,” Joshua said defensively. 

Seungcheol laughed and looked around. “Well there’s a bar up ahead.”

Joshua turned in the direction of where several women and men were waiting in line to get inside the bar in the corner of the street. One would think it was a club, but Joshua couldn’t hear any music blasting from outside. He could only see bright blue neon signs beckoning the night crowd to get flat out drunk in its establishment.

“Ummm...I don’t think I wanna drink tonight.”

Seungcheol laughed boisterously. “You seemed pretty into it a few days ago.” Joshua did not need a reminder of what happened when he went to downtown with Seungcheol and his cousins. The plan was to head home after playing in the arcade but the buzz hadn’t completely left Joshua yet, so he easily convinced the others to go to the Angel’s Brewery around the corner and drink some more. 

Joshua half-heartedly glared at him. “You and my cousins allowed me to bark at strangers.”

Seungcheol continued laughing, using Joshua’s shoulder to avoid falling over. “You looked very cute barking at the security guard outside the brewery.”

Joshua buried his face in his hands. “Oh my god,” Flashbacks from the night flashed behind his eyes. 

Seungcheol leaned back to pull out his phone, “Do you need a reminder? I have a video of you here.”

“You recorded it!” Joshua accused. He reached for the phone.

Seungcheol held it over his head, which didn’t do much considering they were the same height. Their fingers bumped and pulled against each other as they fought for the phone. It irked Joshua to know that Seungcheol would have easily won, if he hadn’t been laughing. “I didn’t know I recorded it until this morning.” 

“Then delete it!”

“But it’s so cute! Just let me show you.”

“No! Delete it!” Joshua exclaimed, he tried to be upset but Seungcheol’s laughter was starting to become infectious. 

“But even the others think it's cute!”

“Others? You sent the video to the guys?!”

“As a drunk text,” Seungcheol said, an embarrassed smile pulling at his lips.  

“Cheol!” Joshua tried to shove him, but Seungcheol was already jogging down the street.

Joshua gave chase, apologizing to people he accidentally ran into in the street. 

Seungcheol didn’t make it very far as Joshua pounced onto his back in front of a small alley in between a Mac store and a Gap. 

Joshua felt like his lungs were going to concave but he managed to get out, “Delete it, c’mon.”

Seungcheol smirked and pocketed the phone, obviously not deleting the video. “I already sent the video to Mingyu, there’s no point.”

Joshua groaned aloud, “Just for that I’m not going to talk to you.” 

His eyes caught the random balls of light hung in between the alley. It seemed safe, so Joshua stormed down the alley in a huff. Seungcheol stayed close behind.

“You can’t mean that,” Seungcheol whined.

Joshua made the mistake of looking over his shoulder and catching Seungcheol’s pout. Joshua uncrossed his arms. “Fine. I’m not speaking to you for five whole minutes.”

Seungcheol’s pout twisted into a pleased smile and within seconds, Seungcheol matched his pace with his back and shoulders straight.

At the end of the alley, Joshua paused. He and Seungcheol stood by a cobblestoned floor courtyard. Several potted trees outlined the courtyard surrounding the abundance of people sitting at the tables and chairs. The entire crowd’s focus was directed at a large building. Slowly, Joshua looked up and saw that the city was projecting an old film on a blank wall.

Joshua glanced at Seungcheol. They both shrugged and walked to the courtyard to find a seat. But a quick look around, made it fairly obvious there wasn’t any space available—several people had even brought out lawnchairs and blankets to sit and enjoy the movie. However, Joshua spotted a small outdoor restaurant on the right side of the courtyard. Joshua pulled on Seungcheol’s sleeve for a moment and both of them decided to sit on the steps that led up to the restaurant. 

Joshua pressed his back against the railing, attempting to get comfortable on the cement flooring. He craned his neck when he noticed Seungcheol still standing. He sent him a confused expression and slowly Seungcheol sat down. Joshua was quick to observe that Seungcheol had left two steps in between them. Joshua stared curiously at Seungcheol but turned away when he heard the crowd laugh. His eyes went to the movie projected on the building and realized “The School of Rock” was playing.

Joshua always enjoyed this movie and he let the distance between he and Seungcheol left forgotten.

After a few minutes, Joshua heard Seungcheol huff in annoyance. He glanced down at him and saw a crease between his brows as he tried to follow the movie.

While Seungcheol’s English was steadily improving, the actors spoke too quickly that Seungcheol could not follow along.

Joshua decided the five minutes of silence were up so he sunk down two steps to sit beside Seungcheol. 

Seungcheol flinched away from him as soon as Joshua leaned into his space. Joshua furrowed his brows in confusion, but slowly Seungcheol sat normally again, albeit a little stiff.

Joshua ignored it and leaned back into Seungcheol’s space to whisper a few translations to him.

Seungcheol nodded, following along. 

They did this back and forth for awhile until Joshua made a mistake of translating something during a lull in the movie.

Seungcheol’s body shook as a vociferous laughter emanated from his mouth. Almost immediately, several people turned in their direction. Seungcheol’s eyes opened wide. He raised his hands to his head and sunk his face between his knees.

Joshua held in his laughter and patted him sympathetically on the back. It took a minute for Seungcheol to cautiously return to the movie. 

After that, Joshua became a little more careful when he translated. He avoided the quiet lulls and only translated when music took over the transitions between scenes. During a transition, Joshua leaned into Seungcheol’s space again, but Joshua could not open his mouth. He consciously blinked. 

Seungcheol’s lips moved soundlessly. Joshua’s eyes tracked the movement and discovered Seungcheol mouthing along to the lines of the movie. Warmth tickled his throat. He found Seungcheol’s effort endearing. 

Living with Seungcheol made Joshua aware of Seungcheol’s hard work but that work ethic tended to emanate out of a competitive drive. Here, there was no one Seungcheol to compete with. Seungcheol only wanted to improve for the sake of it.

Seungcheol guardedly turned to him. “What?” Seungcheol questioned.

Joshua blinked several times. He looked away for a second and back at the screen. The kids in the movie were playing the last show, revealing to Joshua he had been staring at Seungcheol for a freakishly long amount of time. 

Joshua gave Seungcheol his attention again. “What do you mean?” Joshua asked in return.

Joshua caught Seungcheol’s gaze fall to his lips for a second. Seungcheol sucked in a breath and quickly snapped his head back to the movie. 

The conversation was left alone after that. 

Instead, they enjoyed watching the kid’s passion as they performed on stage It brought back memories for both of them when they were both starting out in their own careers. Small smiles rested on both their faces and remained until the ending credits rolled on screen. 

Both stood up brushing down their jeans. 

“Now where?” Seungcheol asked him.

“I’m kind of hungry,” Joshua admitted. “Do you want some pasta?”

Seungcheol nodded and both of them walked in the direction of Buca di Beppo, an Italian restaurant close to where they had parked.

They arrived at the restaurant and the hostess directed them promptly to a table. They thanked the hostess and reached for the menus left on the table. Joshua let Seungcheol choose for the both of them and when the waiter came to take their order, Joshua encouraged Seungcheol to order.

Seungcheol’s eyes bugged out for a second but he did try, albeit a little shyly. 

The waiter was kind and polite, and thankfully was patient as Seungcheol did his best to sound out the order.

Joshua thanked the waiter and when he left, an awkward lull settled between them. 

Joshua couldn’t help but notice that Seungcheol was doing a terrible job of being discreet at staring at the small candle lit between them.

Joshua didn’t want the situation to get weird. So he took a page from Seungcheol’s book of bravery and reached over and blew out the candle. He pretended to act nonchalant and moved the candle to the far end of the table with a smile. He then crossed his arms on the table, leaned forward, and began the conversation...

 

Five

 

Joshua chuckled as he saw Seungcheol twist on the couch. Joshua stood above him, making sure he had his keys and wallet in his pocket.

“Do I have to go?” Seungcheol whined. 

“No, not if you don’t want to.” 

Seungcheol twisted again on the couch to look up at him. Joshua tensed as Seungcheol stared at him a for a long tense three seconds. Seungcheol rolled off the couch and stood up, “Nah, let’s go.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Seungcheol started heading to the front door and Joshua followed him outside to the car parked in the driveway.

“Cause I don’t want to do something if you don’t want to. This is our vacation it should be a mutual thing.”

Seungcheol smiled, “No, I want to. And you’re right, it’s getting kind of boring wearing the same clothes.”

Joshua hummed in agreement and stepped inside the car. Seungcheol sat in the passenger seat, immediately reaching for the radio. He picked a song that grated a little on Joshua’s nerves. He wanted to tell him off but Seungcheol looked hilarious as he sang poorly to the song.

Joshua chuckled as he backed out of the driveway.

Joshua drove through several terrible corny songs, but he didn’t complain once as he drove through traffic to West Hollywood. 

Thankfully, he didn’t have to endure it long, and soon, both of them were walking through the shopping district. They only managed to get a few steps in before they heard Seungcheol’s phone ring. 

It was a facetime call from Mingyu.

Seungcheol answered.

Immediately they were greeted with the sight of Mingyu and Seokmin lying side by side on a bed.

“Seungcheol!” Mingyu cried in delight and when Seungcheol twisted the camera he greeted Joshua with the same gusto.

“Hey, what’s up?” Seungcheol asked.

“We just wanted to see what you were up to,” Mingyu replied. “We just got back home from our flight from Italy and the time change really screwed us up.”

“What time is it?” Seungcheol asked, he walked over to a shaded awning and Joshua followed him there.

“4:30 in the morning.”

“Gross.”

“It’s okay,” Seokmin interrupted. “How are you doing?” He asked it quickly and Joshua narrowed his eyes at him through the screen.

“Good,” Seungcheol replied simply. 

“Nothing weird going on?” Seokmin continued to press on with a dramatic tilt of his voice.

“No, why would it be?”

Mingyu answered, although he was a worse actor than Seokmin, “We were just curious, since you’re staying in LA longer than planned.”

Seungcheol looked at Joshua for a moment before saying, “Yeah that doesn’t mean anything weird is going on.”

Joshua watched Seokmin’s face carefully through Seungcheol’s phone, sensing the other wanting drag Seungcheol into a conversation Joshua would prefer they didn’t have. “Exactly,” Joshua piped into the conversation. “We’re actually going shopping right now.” 

Mingyu’s face lit up as Joshua had predicted. “Really? What are you going to buy?”

“Clothes,” Seungcheol said as if it was obvious.

“You have to keep me on the line to help you choose.”

“I can shop for myself.”

“You dress like a fifty year old man!”

Joshua snorted, “He’s got you there. You dress like my grandpa.”

Seungcheol narrowed his eyes at him but Mingyu saved him by saying, “Hey, you’re not any better. You’ve been dressing the same since you were twenty. You need to update your wardrobe.”

Seungcheol and Joshua shared a look before silently agreeing and saying in tandem, “Goodbye guys.” 

Seungcheol pressed the end call button and pocketed his phone. 

“That was weird, right?” Seungcheol asked.

Joshua shrugged and walked toward the first shop he saw wanting to steer clear of the conversation. He didn’t want to have it and bring up old memories. Not when everything was going so well.

Seungcheol followed him with a frown on his face, sensing something was wrong. Joshua cursed mentally and walked around the shop towards the men section. At the moment, he wished he was like Seungkwan and Soonyoung. Both of them had the beautiful ease to twist uncomfortable situations into lighter ones with a simple joke. He wasn’t funny at all.

He was just boring old Joshua. 

“Joshua?” Seungcheol’s voice was low as he cornered him near a random rack of jean sweaters. 

Joshua inhaled sharply. No, he wouldn’t do it. He didn’t want to hurt Seungcheol, not when they were finally friends. Joshua filled his lungs with air and smiled as he said, “Hey do you want to play a prank on Mingyu?”

Seungcheol was smart enough to let it go. “How?”

“We look for the most hideous stuff in the store, try it on, and convince Mingyu we are buying it.”

Seungcheol laughed loudly and brightly that Joshua could see his gummy smile. 

“I’m in.”

It sparked an intense hour of going from store to store and trying out the worst outfits they could find. Several pictures were taken and saved in their phones. At one point, Joshua found a ridiculous expensive orange fuzzy sweater and tiger pants. He went to go try it on immediately and when he came out of the dressing room, Seungcheol dropped his phone. Joshua gasped and went toward Seungcheol to check on the damage. There was a small crack on the right corner of the screen but nothing too bad. 

“Sorry,” Joshua chuckled.

Seungcheol smiled, “Don’t worry about it. I can’t believe you came up with this. This is hilarious.” He pulled on Joshua’s furry sweater before Joshua managed to swat his hand away. 

“Did you get a picture?”

Seungcheol nodded, “I think I’m going to set this one as my screensaver.”

Joshua shoved him and went back to change into his regular clothes while Seungcheol decided to try on another ridiculous outfit.

Joshua made sure he had all his stuff before appearing in front of Seungcheol’s dressing cubicle. He pulled out his phone, holding it at the ready. 

Seungcheol pulled at the curtain dramatically, wearing dark plaid pants with a hideous flower blazer and a tacky neon yellow shirt. Joshua bursted into laughter as Seungcheol struck a dramatic flared pose. Joshua nearly dropped the phone as he tried to take a picture.

“Okay, hold still,” Joshua chuckled, taking a picture of Seungcheol in the outfit.

He immediately went into his gallery to show Seungcheol the picture.

Seungcheol grinned, “Perfect. It will drive Mingyu insane.”

Joshua chuckled and reached into his text messages to send the picture to the guys as they had realized everyone’s reactions to the situation was worth it. 

He paused as he actually took the time to look at the picture. Even though Seungcheol was wearing the tackiest thing he had seen, he found himself realizing that Seungcheol strangely enough pulled it off. He couldn’t deny that the man still looked attractive in the attire. 

Briefly as he typed a message in the group chat, he wondered why he never saw Seungcheol as attractive—probably because he was so fixated on Jeonghan.

“Did you send the picture?” 

“Yeah.” Joshua showed him the immediate text messages that followed.

Mingyu: Take that off right now.

Hansol: I don’t see what’s wrong with it.

“Hmmm,” Seungcheol said curiously.

“What?”

“You just have our regular names as our contacts?” 

“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”

“It’s boring. Who has their best friends with just their names?”

“And you’re the expert on contact names?”

“Of course I am.” Seungcheol grinned stupidly before stepping back inside to change.

Joshua meanwhile glanced back at his phone wondering what Seungcheol had him as under his phone.  

 

A few minutes later, they walked out of the store with bags filled with simple shirts and jeans, very much casual and light with the California weather. Although, Seungcheol had convinced Joshua to buy that leather jacket he had put on as a joke. 

The two ended up walking to a random Starbucks, and as soon as they entered, Seungcheol handed him the bags, “I wanna try to order.”

“Okay, can you get me a black sweet tea?”

“Sure.”

Joshua looked for a small table in the back and placed all their shopping bags on the ground. He pulled out his phone out of habit, and nearly groaned as he saw he had a text message from Seokmin. 

Seokmin: Why haven’t you replied. Jeonghan keeps asking me about how both of you are doing and I don’t think he’s happy that I keep saying ‘fine’

Joshua stared at his phone for a long moment. This is exactly what he wanted to avoid. He felt exasperated by Seokmin’s constant bombardment of text messages asking about Seungcheol’s wellbeing. 

So far, he had been doing a good job of ignoring his text messages or replying in one word answers but apparently it wasn’t enough. He bit his lip and finally typed back. 

Joshua: Why don’t you text Seungcheol?

Seokmin: Cause you’re the one that's with him and Cheol never tells me whats wrong. He only tells Seungkwan and Jeonghan and Jeonghan doesn’t want to message him just yet

Joshua: Then tell Jeonghan if he’s that worried to text Seungcheol himself. I’m not playing this game

Seokmin: But we’re worried too

He felt a little peeved to know that they only cared about Seungcheol’s wellbeing. It wasn’t like Seungcheol was the only one that suffered after Jeonghan left. 

Joshua: Like I said text him. 

Joshua jumped a bit as Seungcheol set his drink down on the table. He sat across from him and then said as nonchalantly as possible, “Seokmin has been texting you a lot.” Joshua could still hear a slight accusatory tone, so he decided quickly honesty was the best answer. 

“It’s about Jeonghan.”

“What about?”

“Jeonghan asked Seokmin to text me and ask me how you’re doing.”

“Oh? What did you say?” His curious tone startled Joshua for a moment. 

“You’re okay with it?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

Joshua narrowed his eyes. 

Seungcheol huffed and put his drink down. “I don’t really care what Jeonghan knows about me or doesn’t.” 

Joshua’s mouth parted slightly and then he stated, “You’re over him.”

“Pretty much.”

“Well I told Seokmin I’m not saying anything. If Jeonghan really wants to know, he should message you.”

“Fair enough.”

“Are you going to message him?”

“God no!” Seungcheol exclaimed a tad too loudly. 

Joshua snorted, “I thought you were over him?”

“I’m in the process,” Seungcheol admitted. “When I feel like I’m in a better place then I’ll message him, but right now I’m just happy to be spending my time with you.” He said the last part a little quieter as he fiddled with his straw. 

Joshua observed the movement in silence. He didn’t have a reply to Seungcheol’s admission but he felt warmth spread in his stomach.

Finally, Joshua looked back up at Seungcheol and said, “You should at least message Seokmin. I know the guys are worried about you. Not just Jeonghan.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that….”

 

Four

 

“Remind me again why we couldn’t take an uber up the hill?” Seungcheol whined, huffing and puffing behind him. 

“Aww, are your old man knees giving out on you again?” Joshua decided to rub it in his face just a little so he commenced walking a little faster up the hill toward the Griffith Observatory. 

Seungcheol grinned and then suddenly Joshua felt a heavy weight on his back, “Carry me son! Old Cheol can’t go on anymore!”

Joshua was probably a little in over his head when he tried to reach back and grab Seungcheol thighs and hoist him up properly. He grunted under the weight and heard a crack in his back. They both froze and Seungcheol jumped off laughing. “Whose old now?”

Joshua half heartedly shoved at Seungcheol and continued up his hike. In a few minutes they ended up at the front entrance of the large domed building. The sun was just coming down in the west illuminating the beautiful copper dome. Joshua watched as Seungcheol observed the building for a moment and Joshua smiled as Seungcheol took a few pictures. He waited patiently and his smile grew wider when Seungcheol pocketed his phone and followed him inside the planetarium.  

They explored the random areas of the exhibit, looking through telescopes and giggling like children. Seungcheol’s enthusiasm at just gazing at planets and constellation reminded Joshua of a young child. It was refreshing and Joshua lowered his walls and behaved the same way as his friend. 

When they finished watching a cheesy documentary on the creation of the universe, Joshua and Seungcheol finally stepped back outside. The night breeze caused Joshua to shiver a bit and he rubbed his arms as he and Seungcheol walked across the expansive field in front of the observatory. They strolled along the grass without reason, absentmindedly watching groups of people look through telescopes the observatory’s staff left out for the public.

They continued walking until they found a cement bench on the outskirts of the field that overlooked the city. They sat down and Joshua looked up, hoping to catch one of the stars or planets he had seen earlier in the telescopes. But he couldn’t see anything. The sky was disappointingly just blank. He lowered his head and stared at the marvelous sight right in front of him. The city lights down below looked like stars as well, and maybe they were just a little bit better than the stars. It proved there was life down there—where it really mattered. 

“This day has been almost perfect,” Seungcheol sighed, filling the comfortable silence.  

“Almost?” Joshua asked curiously. 

“Not tripping over the three year old by Jupiter and making a scene would have been nice.”

Joshua chuckled and leaned his weight on his hands. “I think that deems it perfect.”

“What would be a perfect day for you?” 

“What do you mean?”

Seungcheol asked again a little more assuredly, “What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?”

Joshua at first felt floored by the question. His brows narrowed as he considered the question, no one had asked him something like that. From the corner of his eye, he saw Seungcheol waiting patiently for a reply. 

Joshua began to answer, his thoughts still processing as words tumbled out of his mouth slowly. “I guess a day where I get to rest a lot maybe binge watch on a few of my favorite anime series with close friends then maybe an early dinner and then bed.”

Seungcheol hummed. 

A silence sweltered a few moments and when Joshua looked at Seungcheol he asked him, “What about you?”

Immediately, he saw Seungcheol’s eyes give that far away look and his lips slightly curve upwards. “A day where I begin knowing that everyone I love is doing okay. They don’t have to be doing great—no one is ever great, but just to know they are there and are continuing to thrive would make my day. So like waking up to a text from my mom or my brothers telling me some random news about their day and me spending a few minutes messaging them in bed. And then from there maybe going to the gym with Mingyu and Minghao because watching those two bicker back and forth puts a smile on my face and always reminds me that I don’t only have two actual brothers back at home but I have twelve,” He paused for a bit and choked back something in his throat, “Eleven. Eleven brothers that annoy the hell out of me but always make me feel like I’m part of something bigger even if I’m yelling at them to keep it down or more often making the noise with them.” He paused again. “And from there, returning home rushing to get eleven people in a van and get to a destination. It doesn’t matter which. Just any destination. Always moving, getting better.” At this point, Joshua wondered if Seungcheol was even talking to him anymore. “Just yeah, and then after we finish heading back home super late tired out of my fucking mind and making sure everyone is doing okay. Okay is important, so I guess my version of perfect is okay,” Seungcheol said definitively. “And repeating everything the next day.”

Seungcheol didn’t seem bothered by the silence that followed and he let Joshua ponder what he said. Joshua hadn’t expected Seungcheol to be so honest in his response and he sort of felt a little guilty for not giving it more thought like Seungcheol had. 

“That’s not what I expected,” Joshua said carefully, finding his footing and treading carefully.

“What? My answer?” 

“No, more of the question,” He felt more assured this time. “I just didn’t expect you to get all philosophical on me.”

“I have the ability to, you know.”

“I know that...now. It just surprised me.”

Seungcheol breathed out a small laugh, “Don’t tell me you haven’t ever had someone ask you a question like that?”

“Not that I remember.”

“Are you serious? You’ve never had deep late night conversations with someone?”

“I have but just not that particular question.”

“Hmmmm, what about if I were to ask you what is your most treasured memory? Has anyone asked you stuff like that?”

Joshua thought it over and remembered several drowsy pillow talks. But as he went over them, he couldn’t recall those questions, which Joshua found odd. He liked to consider himself as someone who enjoyed having deep conversations and the fact that he hadn’t been asked questions like that made Joshua realize the conversations he had been having perhaps weren’t that deep at all because he always had an answer for them. 

Joshua always had an easy time answering the common friendship questions like a favorite color, movie, or an ice cream flavor. But the notion of not having a definitive answer for his “most treasured” memory made him realize that those previous questions had always been superficial. Now, he was forced to zero in on the roots of who he really was and he found that it was quite challenging. But he wanted to try because Seungcheol had given him a very personal answer. 

“I think my most treasured memory is when I was a freshman in highschool and sitting by myself in the bandroom,” Joshua said fondly, trying to recall the memory. 

Seungcheol angled his head slightly toward him. 

And it wasn’t until he was engaging in that thought process to such a seemingly simple question that Joshua recognized Seungcheol’s purpose for asking these questions.  Maybe there was value in pushing oneself to make choice—to commit, so to speak—to an answer.   

“My mom had pulled together all the money she had saved to finally buy me my own guitar and I was playing it for the first time. I still remember the song it was Hey Jude by the Beatles. It's a very simple song but I was singing, which was something I never really did outside of church. It was just kind of cause I felt like it; I think. I don’t remember the why that clearly, but I do remember that I didn’t know the band director was in his office and he overheard me playing and singing. After I finished playing, he came out of his office and I remembered being so embarrassed but he assured me not to be and said that I should consider pursuing a career in music because he said he could feel my passion. I didn’t know what he was talking about that day but I really do think he became the reason why I started taking music more seriously. And like I know it’s not something that’s super sweet or heartfelt but I feel like without it I wouldn’t have ever joined Seventeen or had friends like you.” 

He turned to Seungcheol to gauge his reaction. It was passive as he seemed to absorb the information.

“You?” Joshua questioned tentatively.

“Huh?”

“What’s your most treasured memory?”

Seungcheol hung his head and then brought it back up quickly, “It used to be about…” He trailed off awkwardly. “But now I think it’s this moment right here.”

Joshua’s heart pounded heavily and he felt a stupid smile stretching his face. 

 

Three

 

“I tried to change the duvet and I got stuck inside,” Seungcheol whined in English. 

Joshua was cackling at the doorway as he saw Seungcheol underneath it. “Where did you even learn the word duvet from?” Joshua replied. 

“I watched Martha Stewart videos in youtube to how to do laundry.” Seungcheol responded back in English. Yesterday, Seungcheol had commented that he wasn’t going to get any better if he didn’t speak it everyday so he had asked during dinner to Joshua and his mother to only speak in English from then on. His pronunciation was getting better but he still needed to work on his prepositions and verb tenses. 

Joshua laughed and climbed onto the bed to try to find Seungcheol. He leaned over him and pulled the blanket down to rest under his chin. 

“You know, I saw a video on youtube where this same thing happened to a dog.” 

“Are you call me a dog?”

“Am I calling you a dog?” Joshua asked, correcting Seungcheol. But he was a giggling mess. “Yes. I am calling you an overgrown puppy.”

Seungcheol’s arms that were still somehow trapped in the duvet reached around Joshua and brought him crashing to Seungcheol’s chest. Joshua groaned, feigning pain. They rolled around the bed until Seungcheol unsurprisingly pinned Joshua down. 

Joshua pouted and Seungcheol felt a little sorry so he began to back away. Joshua used the moment to flip them over. They landed on the floor with a harsh thud—well more accurately, Seungcheol’s back made contact with the floor while Joshua had fallen safely on Seungcheol.

Joshua moved quickly and pushed Seungcheol’s head further in the duvet. Seungcheol exclaimed, but Joshua didn’t listen. He reached for the strings of the duvet and tied a knot at the top, trapping Seungcheol further.

“This is not fair,” Seungcheol said like a child.

Joshua laughed as he sat in Seungcheol’s lap. “But you look so cute.”

“Is this payback for the video?”

Joshua stood up and looked briefly around the room. After Joshua’s cousins and aunt left, Joshua went to his own room and Seungcheol had stayed in the guest room. And looking around, Joshua saw Seungcheol had began to fill the room with random knicknacks he had bought in LA. 

It made Joshua smile.

He looked back down as Seungcheol sat up. Even with the duvet, Joshua could tell he was tilting his head and pouting. 

“If you can get out in three minutes, I’ll pay for lunch.”

Immediately a giant white mess of sheets scrambled to its feet as Seungcheol tried to break free. Joshua couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed this hard. 

 

Two 

 

Joshua had given up on all pretense that he was not going to do any tourist stuff with Seungcheol. As he looked back on the two weeks of their random nonsense, Joshua came to the fact that tourist stuff had been all they were doing. So he decided to resign himself to it and found himself sitting on a red bus getting a tour of Hollywood.

Joshua found himself amused with Seungcheol more than anything. He awed at anything the tour guide pointed out to them and all Joshua did was lean back and enjoy the atmosphere of it.

When the bus tour was over, they got dropped off at Ripley’s Believe it Or Not in Hollywood, and because they were already playing tourist so well, they decided to go inside. It was something to really only kill time since neither of them wanted to return home despite the late hour. 

Together they marveled at the museum with its kitschy oddities on display, including shrunken human heads and rare animal skeletons. 

They laughed and joked at several displays, taking more pictures than necessary. But Joshua couldn’t care. He loved this moment. 

When they reached the end of the museum, they were a little bummed. Joshua did not want the moment to end. 

There was a final room to enter before they exited the museum and tentatively both of them entered. It was a dark room with red walls and several projector lights shining everywhere.  

The stray lights painted their shadows on all the walls. Immediately, both of them knew what to do. They both broke out into the most silly and dorkiest dances they could think of.

While Joshua was imitating an octopus, he had not realized Seungcheol’s shadow neared his until they blended seamlessly.  

“What?” Joshua asked with a slight laugh as Seungcheol bumped into him.

Immediately, the smile fell off his face as he saw Seungcheol’s intense expression.

“You’re great, you know that?” Seungcheol said in a whisper. 

“I thought I was boring.”

“Not to me.”

Joshua couldn’t help it, but he glanced down at Seungcheol’s lips. 

Slowly, Seungcheol leaned down, their lips were a breath apart. Joshua gasped and pulled back before their lips could connect. He took two steps back staring wide eyed at Seungcheol.

Seungcheol mirrored his expression but Joshua could clearly see guilt mar his features. 

“I’m—” Joshua began, but he couldn’t finish his sentence.

Before thinking, he rushed out of the room and the museum and did not stop until he made it to the street.

The night air and the smell of tobacco attacked him from all sides. He took deep breaths, realizing what was about to happen in that room—what could have happened.

Dear god. 

He didn’t understand. 

Seungcheol liking him in that way? It couldn’t be possible.  

Seungcheol was still getting over Jeonghan? Wasn’t he? 

_ He _ was still getting over Jeonghan as well. Right?

He spun around as he heard Seungcheol’s voice. “Ready to head back home?”

His jaw was clenched but other than that, Seungcheol’s face did not answer any of Joshua’s questions. “Yeah,” Joshua answered, shakily.

They walked back to where they had parked the car and suffered the most awkward forty-minutes of silence as Joshua drove back home. 

When Joshua opened the front door, Seungcheol quickly sped past him and up the stairs to his room. Joshua heard the door shut and Joshua was left standing awkwardly at the doorstep.

He took a deep breath and shut the door behind him, heading to the kitchen. 

As he put the expo marker to the side and heard Seungcheol apologizing behind him, Joshua was struck with a giant revelation.

He was brought back to their moment at the Griffith Observatory when they had spent hours getting to know each other. 

Maybe there was value in pushing oneself to make choice—to commit, so to speak—to an answer...or better yet, committing to a person. 

Joshua invaded Seungcheol’s space counting for the first time. 

 

One

 

Joshua kissed Seungcheol. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years Everyone!
> 
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	8. two feet standing on a principle

Joshua had pinned Seungcheol to the kitchen wall. Seungcheol softly moaned and tangled his fingers in Joshua’s hair, holding him firmly in place as they insistently pressed their lips together. Seungcheol raked his fingernails through Joshua’s scalp while Joshua’s fingers clutched to the front of his shirt, pulling him closer. 

Their mouths parted, desperate for contact.

Seungcheol only managed to brush his tongue against the roof of Joshua’s mouth once before they heard something clatter to the ground.

They broke apart with a gasp, turning to the sound.

Their eyes drew to the expo marker that had fallen from the fridge. The marker slowly rolled underneath the appliance. 

When they looked back at each other, the moment disappeared. Seungcheol found himself lowering his hands awkwardly to his sides and watched Joshua take two steps back. 

“So uh…” They both began and then immediately shut their mouths firmly. 

Joshua averted his gaze, and the confident man Seungcheol had seen moments ago, suddenly vanished.

“So um...that happened?” Seungcheol said it like a question.

“Huh? Oh, yeah.”

“So um…” as the silence wore on, Seungcheol found he did not have many words to say. “It’s late,” He said stupidly. 

“Yeah...yeah, real late.”

“So...um...I’m going to head to bed.”

“Yeah, me too.”

A moment passed where neither moved and when they both realized it, they accidentally moved as one. They stopped. They tried again and fumbled awkwardly. Finally, Seungcheol extended his hand, “You first.” 

Joshua’s smile didn’t reach his eyes as he left the kitchen with his head bowed.  

When Seungcheol heard Joshua’s footsteps disappear up the stairs, he let out a long deep breath. He sagged against the wall and banged his head against it.  He could not believe it. He had kissed Joshua.

No...

Joshua had kissed him.

He looked in the direction of the stairs, contemplating that little action and everything that led up to it. 

For two weeks, Seungcheol had been stupidly pining over Joshua. After their moment together in the arcade bar, he had believed that he only had a crush on Joshua. At the time, it did not seem like such a big deal. He could have brushed off the crush easily. No problem. However, something about Joshua continued to pull Seungcheol further into Joshua’s orbit. 

Gradually, he had found himself wanting to spend every minute with Joshua. He wanted to be close to him. Touch him. Prod into his most personal thoughts and feelings—prod into places he had no business prodding. 

He couldn’t stop his emotions from growing.

It terrified him to know that he loved the feeling of liking Joshua more than a friend.

He had not thought it would be possible to fall for someone so suddenly after he had broken up with Jeonghan.  

But here he was.

And when both of them had been in that room with the lights, he had realized he would not mind to pursue something more with Joshua. The way the lights shone on his face, the way his eyes sparkled with mischief and free-spirit, and the way he just poured positive energy, had dragged Seungcheol closer to Joshua before he could react. 

Joshua had looked so gorgeous in that moment. 

A sudden flash of bravery had struck Seungcheol and he had found himself invading Joshua’s personal space, leaning in to kiss him.

It had hurt when Joshua rejected him and pulled away. And that hurt had quickly transformed into embarrassment as he stood in the room alone and had watched Joshua practically sprint outside into the street. 

Seungcheol had stayed rooted in place. Thinking. He wouldn’t take it personally. He would just let it go. He wouldn’t take it personally. He would just let it go. Let it go. Let it go. 

He had collected his thoughts and had met Joshua outside and he tried his best to not let the awkwardness permeate the car as they went back home. 

For a few minutes of silence, Seungcheol had believed it had worked. He had tried not to think too much as he retreated to his room. He had sat on his bed contemplating his mistake and had realized the best and mature action would be to apologize.

He had went downstairs, apology already rehearsed, but he could not get his speech out. Before he knew it, Joshua was kissing him. 

Seungcheol sighed remembering the kiss only moments ago. Fuck. He could still feel Joshua’s warmth pressed along his body. He shut his eyes and took deep breaths. When he felt better, he opened them and stared straight ahead.

His eyes caught the blank board.

It hadn’t been blank in months.

Did that imply Joshua was over Jeonghan too? 

He wanted the answer to be yes, but he knew he could not make those assumptions without having a proper conversation with Joshua first. 

It would do no good to dwell on what if’s so he decided he would man up and ask Joshua tomorrow.

  
  


When the morning came, Seungcheol had lost all bravado. He wanted to approach Joshua first thing in the morning, but it appeared both of them were still too embarrassed to broach the subject. They didn’t avoid each other per say, but all conversations were superficial.

Joshua’s mother had noticed their strange behavior, which was probably the worst part. The three of them sat together in the kitchen, eating breakfast that Seungcheol had cooked up quickly. 

“What time did you boys come in last night?” Joshua’s mother said in English.

Seungcheol flinched, forgetting that he had asked both of them to speak English at home.

“Pretty late,” Joshua mumbled.

Seungcheol nodded in agreement.

“Where did you end up going?”

“A wax museum,” Seungcheol said, struggling to pronounce the last word.

Joshua sent him a funny smile and Seungcheol flushed, looking down immediately at his eggs. 

“Are you two going out today?” She asked.

“It depends on Seungcheol,” Joshua said hesitantly.

Seungcheol met Joshua’s eyes and shrugged, “I would like to go out today,” He said slowly.

Joshua’s mother smiled and parted her mouth to say something, but her phone beside her pinged. A small frown took over her face, “All right, I have to go to work now. I left some chicken defrosting in the fridge can you make sure it’s in the oven by three?”

Joshua nodded and Seungcheol watched as she quickly picked up her plate and left it in the sink. 

She moved around the house as she gathered her belongings, creating a background noise for the awkward silence. When the front door finally closed behind her, Seungcheol realized the intense silence at the kitchen table was even more obvious. He didn’t like it. He coughed and Joshua met his eyes quickly, startling Seungcheol.

“So...um I know you said it depends on me,” Seungcheol said in Korean, finding it best to discuss his train of thought in his native language. “But is there anywhere you want to go?”

“Not necessarily—as long as it's not Santa Monica.”

Memories flashed of three pairs of clean white sneakers that strolled along dusty warm sand. 

“I mean,” Joshua’s throat constricted. “It’s just, we’ve been doing a good job of staying out of the way from where people might recognize us. And Santa Monica is a good place for us to get caught by fans.”

“Yeah,” Seungcheol said slowly. He licked his lips. “We can always go to the movies? We have to be back anyway to make dinner.”

“Okay sounds good. I’ll just um...shower.”

Seungcheol nodded and stood up quickly, nearly knocking the chair behind him. “Okay, I’ll clean up here.”

“You sure?” Joshua asked.

Seungcheol gathered the plates, stacking them precariously over each other. “Yup. Go change,” He said tensely. 

Joshua scrutinized him, making Seungcheol nervous as he carried the plates. They clattered in the sink as soon as he heard Joshua’s footsteps tap against the tile. Precariously, he looked over his shoulder and saw Joshua’s back leave the kitchen. 

The tense lines in Seungcheol’s shoulders bent to their natural shape; however, they did not ease in relaxation. He berated himself. He should have said something. Anything. 

He felt like a coward. 

Absentmindedly, he washed the dishes. He did want to talk about the kiss, do not get him wrong. Letting the thought of the kiss stew for the night, had made something come to Seungcheol. At first, that something was too elusive and subtle to name. But as he laid in bed staring at the ceiling, he recalled Joshua’s breath on his lips, and he felt that something creeping out of the ceiling reaching toward him. 

He gripped the edges of the sink, his chest rising and falling tumultuously. He was beginning to recognize that thing that was approaching to possess him, and he was striving to beat it back with his will. 

When he abandoned himself, little whispered words escaped his slightly parted his lips. He said it over and over under his breath. The vacant stare and the look of terror that had been burning underneath Seungcheol’s stomach vanished. His eyes turned keen and bright. His pulse beat fast, and the coursing blood warmed and relaxed everything in his body. 

He did not stop to ask if it were or were not a monstrous joy that held him. A clear and exalted perception enabled him to dismiss the suggestion of his feelings toward Joshua were just trivial. They were real and true.

He did not take care to know whether he had finished washing the dishes and instead rushed upstairs—unwittingly sprinting toward an end. He saw Joshua bending awkwardly in front of a mirror in the hallway. His hands smoothed down his hair and tugged at the collar of his jean shirt. 

Seungcheol felt blood rushing to his cheeks, taking in the sight. 

When Joshua’s gentle hands turned to anxious fiddling, Seungcheol coughed to politely announce his presence. 

Seungcheol pressed his lips together to stop from smiling too idiotically. “Umm..ready?”

Joshua nodded.

They walked downstairs together, neither saying a word even when they got into the car and drove to the nearest movie theater. Anticipation settled in Seungcheol’s skin. He was careful not to cling too much to that sensation in fear that anticipation would turn to desperation and he would say something stupid.

Instead, he clung to the moment of enjoying Joshua’s company. 

They arrived at the cinema and Joshua purchased them tickets to a random movie.

He followed the other into the screening room and sat beside him. Seeing it was the middle of the day and week, not many people were in the room. He saw a couple further down the room sitting close together. The man had his arm thrown over the woman’s shoulder.

Seungcheol was half-tempted to do the same but he had to remember this wasn’t a date. He kept his eyes glued to the screen as the commercials rolled on.

And when the movie finally came on, Seungcheol had to snort. “You brought us to see the Little Mermaid?” 

“I figured a Disney movie would be easy for you to understand.”

Seungcheol was not sure whether he should have been offended, so he sank further into his seat cushion petulantly like a child. 

Slowly, the awkwardness dissipated and Seungcheol found himself enjoying the live action remake of the children’s classic. He found himself laughing like a child at the jokes on screen and from the corner of his eye he couldn’t help but grin as he saw Joshua mouth along to the songs. 

Joshua at one point caught him staring but Seungcheol pulled out his bravery and instead of hastily looking away, only giggled into Joshua’s shoulder. Joshua did the same.

The movie ended without any surprises, it was a Disney movie after all, and they left the theater.

They made their way back to the car at a leisurely pace. Seungcheol could sense something in Joshua’s mind. He waited a whole five minutes for Joshua to say something, but Joshua continued to let the silence linger—unknown to Seungcheol—Joshua with enough motivation would let a silence drag on for hours if he could.  

As Joshua made it to the drivers side, Seungcheol decided enough was enough.

He didn’t want to live in this uncertainty any longer. 

He walked around the car until he had Joshua cornered against the car door. 

“Joshua,” Seungcheol said sternly. 

He watched Joshua’s shoulders freeze up in alarm. Seungcheol did not allow Joshua’s tense posture to deter him. He preserved. “Last night, I went into the kitchen to apologize because I thought you didn’t feel the same way. But obviously, with that kiss...I just...I know I’m oblivious with a lot of things but I’m not stupid enough to ignore that that kiss meant something and now...you’re being awkward.”

Joshua blinked a few times, getting his bearings. He hissed out, “Of course I’m being awkward. Seungcheol, you just broke up with Jeonghan, and he was my best friend, someone who I had feelings for. We can’t just get together. That has to break some code, right? You don’t date your best friend’s exes.”

Seungcheol pouted cutely, “But what if you like that person a lot?”

A smile stretched Joshua’s face. He shook his head and shoved Seungcheol lightly, “Stop that.”

Seungcheol knew he wouldn’t be able to get across Joshua’s rational thinking with silly antics. He had to speak honestly. “No, really. I—Joshua—In the time we’ve spent together, you’ve shown to actually care about me. Not that I’m saying Jeonghan didn’t, but you—you’re always taking what I want to do into account and following with my dumb requests and taking me to all the places that I’ve been wanting to see in so long. And you’ve made realize that’s what I want to have in a partner.” He trailed off a little awkwardly with his speech, with the epiphany that maybe Jeonghan wasn’t the best boyfriend. “And I’m rambling at this point and you should probably stop me before I embarrass myself even more.”

He looked hesitantly into Joshua’s eyes. He hoped to see Joshua’s bright eyes curved into his cute little cat eye smile. To Seungcheol’s despondency, Joshua avoided him. His eyes were cast to the ground.

Joshua shook his head. “I can’t. I—I appreciate your confession. But I can’t do that to—”

“To what? To Jeonghan?”

There was silence at his name.

“Joshua,” Seungcheol started. “Are you still in love with him?”

“Are you?” Joshua shot back.

Seungcheol felt all the positive anticipation turn his blood cold. “I am but,” Seungcheol stuttered. “But my feelings toward you are—”

“Are stronger? Seungcheol. Last night...last night when I kissed you was a mistake. I don’t want this. You dated Jeonghan and whenever you’re with me you are going to unconsciously compare what I do to whatever you had with him. I don’t need that and I definitely don’t want that. I’m not going to be your replacement for him. I’m not... _ we just can’t _ .”

Before Seungcheol could get another word in, Joshua spun around, opened the car door, and stepped inside. 

The window was the only thing separating the two. Seungcheol stared at Joshua sitting in the driver’s seat, refusing to look anywhere but ahead. 

Seungcheol felt his fists shake against his sides. Slowly, he accepted Joshua’s rejection and began to walk around the car to enter through the passenger side.

If he thought the ride last night was awkward it could not compare to this one. 

  
  
  


After emerging from the car, Seungcheol gritted his teeth to hold back tears. He slammed the car door and with an overly straight posture walked to the house. He did not want to speak to anyone. He probably would not be able to even if he tried. A knot in his throat restricted his breathing. Any second, Seungcheol felt like he was going to vomit his heart onto the floor. 

He made it to his room. He locked the door before sitting tersely on the edge of the bed. He rubbed his palms on his thighs taking huge gulps of air. The foul sensation festered along the edges of his face, threatening to make his nose runny. Seungcheol had only experienced this once before: Jeonghan. He knew with certainty that he had loved Jeonghan in the past, but now, those feelings weren’t as strong. So for these feelings to manifest themselves in someone else, solidified that his feelings for Joshua were true. He wish they weren’t. They made him sick to his stomach. 

Seungcheol did not think he would be affected by this so strongly. Perhaps, it was the half rejection. The fact that Joshua probably liked him but wouldn’t do anything felt like the worst kind of rejection. Knowing that the aim of your affection was so close but out of reach. It would have been better to hear, “I don’t have any feelings for you” rather than “We can’t.” 

This thought process continued in his head for hours but really only were a few minutes. 

It hurt. 

Only a few moments ago, he thought that everything had been going so well. Seungcheol truly thought that all of his feelings would be reciprocated. They weren’t; he felt so embarrassed. 

It felt like someone had a vice grip on his heart, clenching and unclenching only to spread humiliation to every part of his body. The humiliation was like a dark keloid growing around a wound. 

And now, Seungcheol didn’t know what he was going to do when he left this room. A part of him wanted to bury the feeling down and never let it out again; but another part of him wanted to rush downstairs and say something to Joshua. To fight back. Isn’t that what they did in movies? 

Fight for love? 

But now confronted with that possibility it seemed too hard headed even for him, not to mention extremely impolite. He wanted to respect Joshua’s boundaries even if it meant always living with the idea that he was going to be in so much pain. 

But he could learn to be okay with that….

Seungcheol treasured their friendship now too much and...Seungcheol just wanted to nap.

Pretend this never happened.

Hope that when he emerged from his room it was going to be okay.

Wish that he never came to Los Angeles and fell in—-

Someone knocked on the door.

Seungcheol’s breath hitched.

“Cheol?” He heard Joshua say on the other side.

Seungcheol licked his lips, taking small breaths of air, “Yeah?”

“Can you open the door...please?”

Seungcheol really didn’t want to, but his legs had taken him to the door before he could understand his actions. Hesitantly, he pulled open the door and Joshua pushed his way inside.

Joshua’s hair was tousled, as if he had been pulling on it.

“I—” Joshua’s voice cracked, nearly on the edge of crying. “I’m sorry.”

Seungcheol focused his gaze to the carpet. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. Yesterday, I decided that I wasn’t going to let fear dictate my actions anymore. I was going to go out there and get what I want—no more hiding and thriving on what if’s. But, I broke what I just said this morning cause I got scared and habits are hard to break and god, now I’m rambling just like you. But I am so sorry because I just realized on the way here how terrible that sounded earlier in the parking lot. And—” 

Seungcheol finally looked up, his heart pounding hopefully. “Joshua? I don’t understand. What are you saying?”

Joshua smiled softly, “I’m willing to try and see where this goes. Where we go.” 

Seungcheol felt two hands grip his waist and he nearly squawked when Joshua pulled him into a kiss.

This one was different than the last and impossibly much better. The desperation had all left and instead all that remained was care—and in Seungcheol’s wishful thinking— maybe even love. 

Joshua pulled back slowly and Seungcheol wanted to chase that mouth back to his.

Joshua pressed their foreheads together and softly Joshua whispered, “You make me want to be better and I can’t think of anything better than that.”

Seungcheol smiled and brought his hand to the back of Joshua’s neck. He pulled him into another kiss, elated and a little shaken of how quickly his emotions were turning. Seungcheol was immediately ready to pull noises from Joshua’s mouth, but the other slipped from his grasp again.

Seungcheol stared at him strangely as Joshua’s face was completely red.

“Joshua?” Seungcheol asked.

“I don’t umm…”Joshua started. “I don’t have any um condoms or lube in the house.”

Seungcheol felt his own cheeks heat. “Oh!”

Joshua snapped his head to him, “I mean we don’t have to right now. That isn’t what I came up here for but we should be prepared right?”

Seungcheol didn’t fully catch Joshua’s last statement. He was stuck on the fact that Joshua wanted him. Wanted to try  _ them _ . Wanted to have sex with him. Several images of Joshua spread out on the bed short circuited Seungcheol’s brain. Without meaning to, he felt himself getting half-hard. 

“Yes,” Seungcheol almost shouted, when he recalled Joshua’s question. He gripped Joshua’s hand and led him outside.

Joshua laughed behind him. “Where are we going?”

“Uh you’re going to drive us to go pick up condoms and lube.”

Joshua’s laughter bubbled excitedly and warmed everything inside Seungcheol. He felt like he was floating as he saw Joshua drive to the nearest 7-eleven with a completely red face. 

When they arrived, Seungcheol didn’t even stop to check if Joshua was following him. He dashed inside the store and roamed the aisles like a madman. When he finally found his target, he grabbed probably more boxes of condoms and lube than necessary, but Seungcheol’s brain and genitals were having difficulty communicating at the moment.

He headed straight to the line, happy that there were only two people ahead of him.

He must have had some mad look across his face because the old lady in front of him turned around cautiously. Seungcheol tried to at least look mature holding the box of condoms and lube, but he couldn’t get it out of his head that Joshua was waiting for him in the car. The lady looked at his items, his face, and then she grinned. 

“Good luck,” She said amusedly, going up the line.

Seungcheol flushed a bit but nodded remembering his manners, “Thank you.”

The line moved quickly and he paid the items using his credit card. He didn’t even bother paying for a grocery bag. He walked out of the store waving the box.

Joshua, still sitting in the car, laughed and buried his face in the steering wheel. Seungcheol climbed into the car signaling to Joshua he was ready to go.  

They entered the house with excitement bubbling around them. Seungcheol was half-tempted to shove Joshua against the door and make-out with him there, but he really wanted to be a gentlemen so he kept his hands to himself. 

They walked up the stairs, Joshua ahead of him sending him coquette glances once in awhile. 

They entered the room and Joshua surprised him—Seungcheol liked when Joshua surprised him—by pushing him against his bedroom door. The items in his hands clattered to the ground. 

The kiss was firm and sure. 

It reminded him of the kitchen.

Seungcheol brought his hands to Joshua’s waist and let his hands linger there. He squeezed his waist releasing a soft gasp from Joshua’s mouth.

As Seungcheol grew older, he became better at speaking. He never struggled with his words and could most often find the right one to share his emotions and sentiments—long gone was that twenty year old boy who found it easier to joke than to share his feelings. Despite his ease though, Seungcheol always prefered to share his feelings with his actions and his body. 

It allowed him to hold nothing back. 

So as Seungcheol’s mouth messily moved over Joshua’s, he found freedom in the action. A deeply set need finally claimed its due, making Seungcheol realize for far too long he had been starving. 

But when Joshua’s tongue found his, he found that Joshua probably had been hungrier. Joshua clung to his chest and hair in an iron hold that Seungcheol couldn’t break from if he tried. Joshua’s embrace felt unquenchable, like a bottomless pit. 

The desperation should have scared Seungcheol. 

For the past few months, Seungcheol had felt like he was teetering on the edge. Nightmares of that cliffside haunted him almost regularly. Faces of a past lover, lies, jealousy, and deceit would beckon Seungcheol to jump off that cliff to dispose of all his shields and succumb to the betrayal and hurt. But Joshua’s warmth, arms, and mouth pushed all of those feeling away like worthless trinkets. 

In fairness, it wasn’t just a kiss. 

Since Seungcheol came to the United States with Joshua, it had been been a sum of small things: to falling off the cliff, seeing each other at their worst, saying the worst things imaginable, and even better, picking each other up and learning from each other. 

After all, once another human saw another human at their absolute rock bottom that’s kind of all there was, wasn’t there? And if a human stayed with that human after that rock bottom, well, one was staying put, weren’t they?

Seungcheol submitted completely to the kiss. And in his submission, Seungcheol found peace and softness. The overpowering affection from someone like Joshua wasn’t something to take lightly.

After a few minutes of kissing pressed against the door, Joshua pulled apart, but didn’t let go. He cradled Seungcheol’s face firmly between his hands. Seungcheol was impressed. He always thought of Joshua as someone who would avert their gaze when locking eyes with another. But Joshua has grown—just like himself. Joshua stared at him with his intense and fervid soul. He was crying, but there was a smile right below it. Seungcheol reached his own hands to Joshua’s face. His thumbs wiped the salty tears away and he brought their foreheads to touch. 

Their breaths mingled. 

“Seungcheol,” Joshua muttered. “Seungcheol.” 

Seungcheol’s mouth parted in shock as he saw Joshua shut his eyes heavily. 

There was so much warmth and joy in the way Joshua said his name. It felt like relief, reverent and beautiful—almost like a prayer. 

Something in Seungcheol softened. 

This time, Seungcheol kissed Joshua first. 

Someone’s breath hitched as Seungcheol pressed against him chaste and clumsily. 

The energy within them shifted and thrummed. 

Seungcheol broke the kiss and smiled. He lowered his hands once more and brought them to Joshua’s hips, guiding him to the bed. 

Joshua’s knees hit the mattress and he fell gracelessly on top of it. He dragged himself up so he could rest his head comfortably against the pillows. 

There was a brief moment where Seungcheol stopped at the edge of the bed. The way the mid afternoon light seeped through the windows made everything so clear to see. Not a single shadow filled the room. 

It made Seungcheol smile and finally clamber onto the bed. He pecked Joshua on the lips once before attaching his mouth to that long neck. He nipped at the skin in playful bites and moved down to his collarbones.

Joshua sighed above him in contentment and Seungcheol smiled against Joshua’s skin as Joshua brought his fingers to tangle in Seungcheol’s hair. 

Seungcheol spent several minutes, just kissing at Joshua’s neck, careful not to leave any marks. He felt like treasuring the man underneath him and didn’t want to mar his perfect skin. 

But he could tell Joshua was getting restless as he squirmed beneath him. Gently, he reached his hand out and unbuttoned Joshua’s jean shirt one button at a time. His mouth followed his fingers, kissing every part of revealed skin until he got to Joshua’s stomach. 

With every kiss, Seungcheol was amazed of how much more lax Joshua became. His body was melting into the sheets and Seungcheol loved every second of it. 

He made his way back up to his stomach, to his chest, to his neck, to his jaw, and to his mouth. He kissed Josua nice and slow and deep. He wanted the man to feel cherished. Joshua deserved it all and he could not believe no one had yet to see how amazing Joshua was. Seungcheol himself couldn’t believe how long it took him to realize that.  

They kissed for several minutes and then Seungcheol froze as he felt two hands pull up his shirt and sneak their way inside. He shivered as he felt cold fingertips graze his stomach.

“Stop that,” Seungcheol breathed out, trying to worm away.

Joshua only giggled softly, repeating the motion. He looked up at Seungcheol with warm eyes. His eyes were unblinking and they seemed to glimmer as the sunbeams hit his face. While Joshua’s gaze was focused on him, Seungcheol sat up a little and placed his fingertips to Joshua’s exposed stomach.

He mimicked the motion.

Joshua shivered violently, nearly jumping off the bed.

Seungcheol giggled, falling on top of Joshua and letting his hands find every ticklish spot he could find.

Joshua wheezed, trying to squirm away. “Wait, Cheol. C’mon. No—that’s not fair.” He tried rolling onto his side and Seungcheol followed him, continuing to tickle his stomach and swallowing Joshua’s burst of laughter with his mouth.

Seungcheol finally stopped when Joshua retaliated and found his secret tickle spot near his armpit.

Seungcheol pulled away and pressed his cheek against the pillow.

Both of them were red in the face and filled with giggles. Seungcheol wondered if Joshua could hear his heart beating rhythmically in his chest. He shut his eyes for a moment trying to catch his breath but opened them when he felt a hand on his cheek. 

He looked into Joshua’s face and smiled into the kiss that Joshua pressed against his lips. Joshua pulled away to say, “I’m glad I’m doing this with you.” 

“I should be the one saying that.” He went back to kissing Joshua but hesitated when Joshua began to pull up his shirt.

Seungcheol pulled away from the kiss, his cheeks burning. He smoothed down his shirt.

“What’s wrong?” Joshua asked, a crease between his brows. 

“Um, nothing,” Seungcheol said, sitting up. He knew he would have to take off his shirt, but all of this had been so sudden that he didn’t have anytime to do any maintenance. Normally with schedules, Seungcheol had always shaved his chest and pubic hair. He wasn’t exactly the hairiest man alive, but he knew he had more hair than those in the group. 

“I’m just um...I’m kind of hairy,” Seungcheol said with a blush, realizing how stupid he sounded.

“What?” Joshua laughed.

“I have body hair.”

“Of course you do, everyone does.”

“No, I have—”

“C’mon Cheol,” Joshua laughed, sitting up and pulling Seungcheol’s shirt. “I doubt you are some kind of werewolf.” He yanked the shirt away.

Seungcheol did have body hair on his chest and trailing down his stomach but he hated it the way it was uneven and kind of patchy. He didn’t have a lot but it was just weird to look at. 

Joshua smiled and continued the dragging motion of his fingertips across Seungcheol’s stomach and chest. “I like it,” Joshua said.

His hands continued stroking until they reached his jeans, “Can I?”

The bite Joshua delivered to his bottom lip had Seungcheol nodding. He gasped and his hands clenched by his thighs as Joshua raked his fingers through his pubic hair before reaching down and cupping him fully. 

He knew he released an embarrassing whimper as Joshua began to stroke him to full hardness. Joshua pushed Seungcheol to sit on his ankles while Joshua sat up on his knees. He locked eyes with Seungcheol and brought down Seungcheol’s jeans and underwear. He shoved them down to his thighs all while he continued stroking him.

Seungcheol gasped and keened. He reached out and pressed his mouth to Joshua’s neck, nipping at the exposed neck. 

He accidentally bit down hard as Joshua began to stroke him faster and with more purpose. 

Seungcheol batted his hands away, knowing he wanted to last longer than this. He climbed off the bed to properly pull off his jeans and was happy as he saw Joshua kicking off the rest of his clothes as well. 

They reconnected. And like this. God, like this it felt better. He languidly rolled his hips against Joshua’s, basking in the noises Joshua released from his mouth and the warmth seeping in the room. He could feel the sun’s rays heating the back of his thighs. 

“Cheol, cheol,” Joshua gasped beautifully underneath him. His hands gripped his shoulders and his hips were rolling against Seungcheol’s as well. There was so much heat between them. Seungcheol needed more.

“Do-do you want to?” Seungcheol breathed into Joshua’s shoulder. 

Joshua stilled for a moment and when Seungcheol noticed, he rested his weight on his forearms to look down at Joshua. He watched as Joshua licked his lips. 

“I want to but-but I’ve never…”

“I’ll go slow and be careful,” Seungcheol said.

Joshua bit his bottom lip. Seungcheol felt tempted to bite Joshua’s lip too. 

“Okay, but slow.”

“Slow.”

Seungcheol smiled brightly, pecking Joshua’s nose.

He stood up and reached for the lube and condoms he dropped by the door. He set them by Joshua’s head and climbed back up. He could feel through the kiss that Joshua was tense. So he did this his best to relax him.

He brought his hand down, stroking Joshua.

Joshua gasped into his mouth, arching his back. Through that distraction, Seungcheol made his way down, kissing Joshua’s chest, to his stomach, to his thighs. He got a little moan as he nipped the skin. 

When Joshua was lax, Seungcheol finally reached for the lube. “I got you,” Seungcheol told him. He put Joshua’s legs on his shoulders then he uncapped the bottle.

He smiled as he saw Joshua blush.

He then reached out and pressed a lubed finger to Joshua’s hole. He could feel how tense he was so he brought his other hand to continue stroking him. Slowly, Joshua began to open up for him.

Seungcheol didn’t rush it. It felt like an hour until he could slide his entire finger inside Joshua but the soft sigh that Joshua released, assured Seungcheol that Joshua felt comfortable and relaxed. 

He continued pushing that one finger in and out for several minutes until Joshua whined below him. Seungcheol smiled and slowly inserted the second finger. There was a bit of resistance. He felt Joshua tense and tighten.

Seungcheol frowned, not wanting to put him through any pain. He lowered Joshua’s legs and slowly climbed over him. He pressed several kisses to Joshua’s collarbones.

“Breathe, you’re not breathing,” Seungcheol said between kisses.

Joshua released a shaky breath and then another. He knew Joshua had relaxed again when Seungcheol could move his fingers in and out easily.

He kept that up for another few minutes, twisting his fingers and pressing Joshua’s prostate. Every touch against it made Joshua gasp loudly. The noises pulled a large permanent smile on Seungcheol’s face. He might have indulged a little too long in preparing Joshua, but the man below him didn’t seem to mind.

He writhed and rolled his hips against Seungcheol’s hand. His mouth parted and released a continuous amount of noise as he stared up at the ceiling in bliss.

God, he was perfect. 

But Seungcheol was going to explode if he didn’t enter Joshua now. So finally, he pulled his fingers out and wiped the lube against the bedsheets. He then grabbed a condom and rolled it along his length. He reached for the lube again and coated his cock generously, wanting to avoid any pain. 

“Seungcheol, hurry up,” Joshua gasped.

Seungcheol obeyed. 

He pushed into him smoothly in one motion. No resistance. He stayed inside, buried to the hilt admiring the excruciating heat enveloping him and Joshua’s face underneath him. Joshua’s back was arched and his hands were gripping Seungcheol’s forearms. 

“You good?”

“Yeah.” 

“Can I move?”

“Fuck yes.”

Hearing Joshua curse made him pull out and push a little rougher than he meant to. Joshua gasped and his hands came to fist the sheets, “Do that again.” 

Seungcheol pushed in and out and wrapped Joshua’s legs around his waist. He lowered his weight and pushed in and out of him, building up the tempo nice and slow. There was no rush.

Joshua began to tighten around him. Seungcheol could feel by the rocking motion of Joshua’s hips that Joshua wanted to go faster. Seungcheol reached out and placed his hands on Joshua’s waist. 

A whine settled in the back of Joshua’s throat as he was prevented from moving.

But it worked in both their favor, because it allowed Seungcheol to hit his prostate on every push. 

After several minutes, Joshua made a high pitched noise and Seungcheol groaned loudly as Joshua clenched around him.

Seungcheol ended up releasing first. When he did, he pulled out of Joshua, tied the condom, and then stroked Joshua to completion.

Seungcheol collapsed beside him, rubbing Joshua’s seed along his stomach. 

“How do you feel?”

“Like I have the need to fart lube.”

Seungcheol laughed, “I wasn’t too rough?”

“A bit. But I liked it.” Joshua stared at him for a long moment. “We should shower.”

Seungcheol hummed in agreement. They tangled their hands as they walked to the bathroom. Both of them entered together with the honest intent of getting clean.

It started that way, with Seungcheol holding the shower nozzle to Joshua’s stomach and cleaning him off, but the way Joshua was giggling at the sensation made Seungcheol pause. He hooked the shower nozzle again and pressed Joshua against the shower tile.

A beautiful laugh echoed in the cramped shower stall.

They kissed roughly which unsurprisingly led to rutting and groping. Joshua’s hand had wrapped around his cock first, starting the pace at a hundred. Seungcheol gasped and arched his back, pushing Joshua further into the shower tile. 

He heard a snicker and decided he wasn’t going to be made fun of. He pressed his leg between Joshua’s and gripped his ass, dragging him smoothly against his leg.

Joshua gasped and jumped slightly at the sensation. His surprise did not last long. He resumed stroking Seungcheol and rolling his hips against Seungcheol’s thigh.

It took even less time for them to both release again. 

They chuckled at the mess they made and returned to Joshua’s room. Naked, moist, and warm they collapsed against the bed. 

“You know,” Seungcheol began with a soft smile as he splayed his hand across Joshua’s stomach. “I thought I would have to put more of a fight.”

“I guess, I’m just easy.”

“C’mon—”

“I’m kidding...I just. I’m done done questioning every single one of my moves. It hasn’t gotten me very far so I just decided to just see where this goes.”

“Where we go?”

“Yeah. I’m actually looking forward to it.”

Seungcheol flipped Joshua towards him until their chests were pressed against each other. “I’m just glad you’ve accepted me even after the things I’ve said and done.”

Joshua pressed his mouth against Seungcheol’s collarbone. “It’s in the past and I’ve said my fair share of hurtful words….”Joshua took a long pause. Seungcheol pulled away to look at Joshua but then Joshua suddenly exclaimed and jumped off the bed. “We forgot about the chicken!” 

  
  
  
  
  


When Joshua’s mother arrived, she was not pleased to see that the chicken was not yet ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed please leave thoughts in the comment section!
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	9. Lucid Dream

Joshua’s fingertips brushed against some chrysanthemums. The petals parted against his fingers and felt soft in his hand. He smiled picking up a baby blue colored bouquet that was sitting in a white bucket. He let the water drip against the other flowers on the floor before placing it in the basket he was carrying. 

He laid it gently, making sure not to squish the petals.

He then looked up and spotted Seungcheol with his mother a few aisles away. He looked nervous and jittery as they chatted over by some bamboo trees. He caught his eye and Joshua chuckled to himself as Joshua’s mother yanked his attention away.

Joshua continued walking around the different aisles of flowers, getting the flowers requested by his mother while she most likely quizzed Seungcheol. 

The three of them had gone to the flower district in Downtown Los Angeles. It was five in the morning—way too early for any sane person to be shopping for flowers—but his mother insisted they beat the rush.

However, Joshua saw clearly through his mother. She probably wanted a way to run errands and accost Seungcheol. 

Joshua would have felt embarrassed but Seungcheol’s reactions were too amusing. 

Two days ago, after Seungcheol and he had sex, Joshua felt like he was still floating. It felt like sitting by a window while laying your head on a pillow while watching a sunset. A lucid dream. That’s what Seungcheol had called it when he and Seungcheol had talked about their confessions and sexual encounter. 

The conversation wasn’t awkward in the least.

Rather it felt like everything had been leading up that moment: them. 

Them was still a foreign concept, but Joshua enjoyed the way it was progressing. He thought he would be scared of dating Seungcheol, but it felt natural. He felt like he knew every part of Seungcheol. No, he did. He knew every part. He had seen his worst. His worst had been thrown directly at his face with nasty insults—but Seungcheol changed. He had grown. 

He had grown so beautifully and Seungcheol was so unaware of it. 

After a few minutes of watching Seungcheol blush, Joshua decided to give Seungcheol some mercy.

He caught the tail end of his mother’s conversation, “Just treat him right, please.”

“I will.”

“Hi mom,” Joshua interrupted. “I got the flowers.”

His mother looked down at the basket with a keen eye, “You forgot the hydrogenase.”  

“Seungcheol, can get them,” Joshua said. He opened his eyes comically, hopping Seungcheol understood he better make his escape now.

Seungcheol nodded and sped walked in the opposite direction.

“I wasn’t finished talking with him you know,” His mother pouted.

“What did you say?”

Her eyes lit up forgetting the conversation as she spotted some winding ficus trees. She walked over to them and Joshua followed. “Mom. What did you say?”

Her hand skimmed the leaf, rubbing it between her two fingers. “That I wish you both a happy relationship, which frankly, I’m still disappointed you didn’t tell me you were in one.”

“We only got together two days ago, mom.”

“Two days too long.” She paused and looked up at him. “You are happy right?”

“For the time being.”

“Do you think he’s the one?”

“Mom!”

“What? It’s an innocent question! You can’t be single forever. Boy! Girl! I don’t care. I just wanna see you married!”

Joshua rolled his eyes, “Mom. I’ve only been with Seungcheol for two days. That doesn’t mean wedding bells and angel choruses, and I hope you didn’t bring up marriage to Seungcheol in that conversation.”

“I didn’t.”

“I’m going to ask him what you told him.”

“He won’t tell you what we talked about. He’s on my side sweetie.” 

Joshua took deep breaths. “You’re so nosy.”

She smiled and pointed to the ficus tree. “I want that one.”

“I got it,” Seungcheol’s voice came behind them. He handed Joshua the hydrangea and lifted the tree easily. 

Joshua snorted and followed Seungcheol to the cash register, an inescapable and unnamable smile pulling at his lips. 

 

~~~ER

 

The curtains were drawn in Joshua’s bedroom. The sun struck against his curtains sneaking their way inside casting a warm muted glow in his bedroom.

Joshua’s fingertips brushed against his guitar strings. He was playing along to a tune that had been stuck in his head for the better part of a week. He felt a dip in the bed and he didn’t have to turn to know Seungcheol was behind him.

He continued playing even as he felt Seungcheol’s head fall between his shoulder blades and arms come around his waist.

The tune was soft—like a lucid dream. He continued playing the chords until words began to tumble out. 

The notebook set in front of his crossed legs was open to a page with random scribbles. Joshua wrote a few lines before setting his pen down.

“What are you working on?” Seungcheol asked after Joshua made no move to write or continue playing.

“Just something in my head.”

“Can you sing it?”

Joshua tried to look over his shoulder but could only see the top of Seungcheol’s head.  

“It’s not done.”

“Will you sing it for me when it is?”

Joshua placed his guitar on his bed and faced Seungcheol. He pressed a kiss to Seungcheol’s mouth. “Of course.” His guitar and notebook were forgotten for the rest of that day. 

 

~~~

 

As usual Joshua and Seungcheol had been overcome by giggles. Joshua reached out to tickle Seungcheol as they kissed on the living room couch. Seungcheol was whining into his mouth telling him to stop but Joshua didn’t want to relent his fingers. It was far too amusing.

Plus, it wasn’t like Seungcheol was passive. He had snuck his hands inside his shirt trying to find his tickle spot as well. 

“Okay, I give!” Joshua gasped as Seungcheol’s hands had not so innocently rubbed against his nipple. 

Joshua felt Seungcheol smile against his neck. It made him smile too and bring his hands to card through Seungcheol’s hair. He tugged slightly, signaling to Seungcheol to pull back. 

“I win,” Seungcheol said childishly.

“You are so competitive, can’t even let me have this.” 

Seungcheol kissed the long expanse of Joshua’s neck. “What are you talking about? You win by having me.”

Joshua shoved Seungcheol, “Oh that was cheesy even for you.”

“How is it cheesy when it’s the truth?” 

Joshua laughed and sat straight with false cockiness. “Please, Seungcheol we both know that you’re the winner in this.”

“Oh, think highly of yourself do you?”

“Mmmm, course I do. I’m the best prize.” 

Joshua fell against the couch as Seungcheol pushed him against it. Seungcheol straddled his hips. “Well then, what did I do to deserve something like yourself?”

Joshua stretched beneath him. “I don’t think you have,” he said teasingly. 

Seungcheol laughed above him. He leaned down, ghosting his lips over Joshua’s. 

“Then what do I need to do?”

Joshua reached up and cupped Seungcheol’s face, loving the way Seungcheol’s eyes were filled with mischief. “Maybe if you beg.” Joshua brought Seungcheol down till their lips met. 

Their lips moved against each other for a few moments, until Seungcheol whispered against his mouth, “I’ll beg all I need to Jeongha—” 

Joshua felt violently shaken awake as he stared back at Seungcheol in disbelief.

He shoved Seungcheol with strength he didn’t know he possessed. Seungcheol toppled off the couch as Joshua stood up. 

“Joshua, I’m—I’m sorry,” Seungcheol stammered as he stood. 

“I can’t believe you!” Joshua shouted. “You just—you called me—”

“I’m sorry!”

Joshua shook his head. He didn’t want to believe what he had just heard but what did he expect. They jumped into this too quickly.   

“I apologized!” Seungcheol shouted at him, face red.

Joshua tried to meet his gaze but his own eyes were brimming with tears that it made it difficult to see. He turned on his heel and began walking out of the living room to the stairs.

He needed to get away. He didn’t want to deal with this now. He wasn’t in the right state of mind to have a conversation about this.

Jeonghan. Fuck.

Joshua felt ridiculous for thinking that they could just forget Jeonghan ever existed when they got together. 

He made it to the top of the stairs when he felt a hand grip his wrist and turn him around. He looked down at Seungcheol. His face was red and puffy.

“I’m sorry—I didn’t mean to call you Jeonghan.”

“You said you were over him.”

“I said I was trying.”

Joshua shook his head, jaw tensing. “Seungcheol, I can’t do this.”

Joshua tried to squirm away from his hold. He used his other hand to rip Seungcheol’s hand away from his wrist. He made it the rest of the way up the stairs but Seungcheol accosted him at the hallway before he could make it to his room.

The sad part was that Seungcheol didn’t even have to use his body to stop him. It just took a broken voice. 

“Joshua, please. I can’t have you walk away. Can you please listen? Please?”

Joshua slowly turned around. “You said Jeonghan’s name as we were kissing. What other way am I supposed to take that Seungcheol?”

“In recognizing that he was important to me and that you are—”

“I’m what? A way for you to forget about him?”

“Just a bit—” Seungcheol visibly cringed, “That came out wrong.”

“Seungcheol, I feel a lot for you, but I don’t want to be in a relationship where Jeonghan is going to serve as a constant reminder. I’ve said this before.” 

“I know, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I can do to make it better.”

Joshua moved his gaze to the ground. He felt his breath coming in shallowly, unable to form any coherent words. But finally, after some deliberation he said, “Tell me honestly why you said his name, then I’ll let it go and forgive.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“You said something that made me think of him—you are not my replacement Joshua, don’t think that please. Ever. But it was just a knee jerk reaction.”

Joshua crossed his arms, “What did I say?”

“You said maybe if you beg—those were Jeonghan’s last words to me—we’ll not exactly but very close and I just got scared and was taken back to that moment where Jeonghan and I broke apart and then I got even more terrified because I transferred that feeling on to you and thought I would lose you.”

“They’re not mine.”

“Huh?”

“They’re not my last words for you. If you’re lucky, you won’t ever hear them.” 

Seungcheol reached out and pressed their foreheads together. “I’m so sorry.”

Joshua pecked his lips, “It’s fine.”

“It isn’t. It never will be. I’ve done so much to hurt you, I’m so sorry.”

Joshua smiled, he had to force it a bit. 

A few months ago he would have avoided this and walked away and fumed silently. But there was a grand relief of letting this go, from not running. “It’s okay, you have a lot of time to make it up to me.”

Joshua led them back to the bed—back to the dream. 

 

~~~

 

It probably was the cliche of all cliches that led Joshua to these thoughts: I would not mind spending the rest of my life with you. 

Seungcheol almost looked like a child as he pointed upward at the fireworks. His face was illuminated brightly by each spark that lit up the night sky. Joshua could see the wonder clearly in Seungcheol’s face. He could see the reflection of the red and blues in Seungcheol’s eyes. They almost looked like tiny city lights. He wanted to reach toward him and pluck them out. 

He wanted this moment to last forever. 

“Is something wrong?” Seungcheol asked.

Joshua shook his head and leaned further into Seungcheol’s chest as they sat together watching the Fourth of July fireworks burst up in front of them. 

“Everything is perfect.”

A kiss was pressed to his temple. 

Joshua wanted to spell out ‘I love you’ into the sky but it was still too soon. 

But perhaps someday.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://minghaos-tattoo.tumblr.com/)   
>  [Follow me on Twitter](https://twitter.com/twinklingpaopu)


	10. as i am. all or not at all.

Last words between Seungcheol and Jeonghan: 

 

“Were you even going to tell us?”

“Well it’s not like I could just leave without saying anything.”

“But deciding to tell us last minute?”

“It’s not. I still have a week left before I move out of the dorms.”

“Goddammit Jeonghan! A week! How long have you been planning this! Jeonghan! Answer me!”

“About seven months ago when we all had to renew our contracts. I didn't.” 

“Why didn’t you ever bring it up?”

“Cause I didn’t know how without hurting anyone’s feelings.”

“And you thought doing this last minute would hurt us less?!”

“It wasn't my intention to carry it out this long. But things got in the way of telling you. We got to film One Fine Day again, we had things to MC for, I got the lead in a drama, and all of it piled up so much that there wasn’t time to reasonably tell all of you. And now here we are with the newest album promotions and I didn't want to screw it up.”

“Well you sure have screwed them up now! Our new album comes out in two weeks Jeonghan! Two weeks! Why did you even take part in it?!”

“The CEO asked me to. He said he didn't want to let me go and asked if I would like to participate one last time before I officially leave. I couldn't exactly tell him no since he was letting me live here until I found a place of my own. And he said announcing my leave at the same time as the new album would help you guys out in sales—so he thought it best to stay quiet too.”

“But who's going to sing your lines in the showcases?” 

“It’s not like I’ve been getting a lot of lines this album, in case you haven't noticed. When we were recording I asked—”

“—Jihoon knew!”

“No!....just Bumzu and the CEO.”

“So what? You’re just gonna abandon us then?”

“We can still keep in touch. The company isn't banning me from seeing you.”

“But Jeonghan, we’ve been a group for four years! We’ve been friends a lot longer than that and we’ve been…we’ve been together for most of that time and you are just going to put it all to an end?”

“Our relationship doesn’t have to end.” 

“Do you think I want to have a relationship with you when you lied about something like this for so long? You’re a fucking liar Yoon Jeonghan.”

“Well fuck you Seungcheol! Out of all people I thought you would understand!” 

“What sane person would understand this! You are leaving me and your family! Because of what? Some bullshit that you want to be an actor now.”

“I like it.”

“You would come to the dorms late at night complaining to never let you film another drama again!”

“I was joking!”

“Why would you joke about hating something you enjoy?”

“Because at the time I didn't want you to think I was gonna leave.”

“Well, it’s fucking happening.”

“Why can't you just be happy for me! I found something I love!”

“I thought you loved Seventeen!”

“I do!”

“Then why the fuck are you leaving?!”

“Because I don't wanna be trapped in the same thing!”

“Is that what you think! This is a fucking trap! No one is stopping from you from filming dramas and being in the group at the same time Jeonghan—you’re just a lazy fucking asshole! You decided to take the easy way out cause you never valued hard work!”

“Fuck you! Fuck you, Choi Seungcheol! Goddamn fuck you! You have no idea what I’m going through!”

“I’m trying to understand!”

“No you fucking aren’t. You are just throwing out accusations and not understanding. Why can’t you be happy for me?”

“Because you didn’t even think of me.”

“Fuck you! I didn’t know I had to ask you for permission!”

“I’m the leader, you are supposed to ask me things like this!”

“Oh the leader huh? Well, then oh mighty leader, can I go?”  

“You know I want you to stay.”

“Well, I'm not going to. Not even if you beg.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


Oh, and how Seungcheol tried. 

But words could not describe how overjoyed he felt that his pleas did not keep Jeonghan by his side. 


	11. Break

Joshua’s head was hanging off the edge of the bed, moaning loudly as Seungcheol fucked into him. The sound of flesh slapping against each other was obscene along with the wet squelch as Joshua pulled him inside. Joshua’s voice rose in pitch, past the point of coherency, only repeating Seungcheol’s name and begging him to go faster and harder.

Seungcheol complied to the wonderful person below him, putting his strength into each thrust.

He could feel Joshua clench around him, a sign Seungcheol was quickly recognizing as Joshua nearing completion.

Seungcheol finally reached out for Joshua’s cock stroking it furiously and was about to—then the doorbell rang.

Seungcheol slowed down and Joshua whined loudly.

“Seungcheol,” he begged.

“Someone is ringing the bell.”

Joshua hooked his ankles around Seungcheol, coaxing him to continue moving. “Ignore it, keep going.”

The doorbell rang. And then once more. And then another.

Joshua groaned in annoyance as Seungcheol pulled out. “It could be your mom, maybe she forgot her keys.”

Joshua turned over on the bed and watched Seungcheol carefully as he discarded the condom and started putting on the pants and shirt he had left on the floor. 

“Come back,” Joshua said petulantly.

Seungcheol snorted and made his way out of the room.

He descended the steps with a frown, tugging on a random sweater. The ringing turned incessant. “I’m coming!” Seungcheol cried out in English. He flung open the door and stared.

“Surprise!”

Seungcheol didn’t know how to react as he saw the members of Seventeen burst through the door and barge inside the home. 

Immediately, there was a lot of shouting and babbling, and arms encircling him. Still, even with the commotion, the only thing that Seungcheol could think of was that Joshua was upstairs naked.

“Fuck,” Seungcheol said, leaving all of the members in the living room. They all stared at him in confusion. He dashed up the stairs and into Joshua’s bedroom.

He shut the door behind him and with good measure because Joshua was still naked and lazily fingering himself. Seungcheol suddenly felt weak in the knees because fate really was testing him to not join Joshua back in bed.

“Get dressed!” Seungcheol exclaimed, throwing Joshua’s jeans and underwear at him.

Joshua sat up, “Why?”

“Listen.”

Joshua narrowed his eyes but did as told. They both could hear Seokmin’s undeniable laughter reaching them upstairs. 

“The guys are here.”

Joshua gasped in shock. He jumped out of bed, reaching for a towel to wipe himself clean. 

“Why are they here?” Joshua asked.

“I don’t know!”

“Well ask them, my ass is filled with lube! I need to clean up.”

“Right,” Seungcheol nodded.

He rushed back downstairs and saw that everyone had made themselves at home in the living room. 

“Hey guys,” Seungcheol said slowly and with fake cheer. “What brings you here?”

He received several answers, each one speaking over the other. Really, Seungcheol should have known better; however, he was able to pick out through some of the noise that the guys wanted to come visit them and see what was keeping them in Los Angeles for so long.

“We haven’t heard from you in months!” Seungkwan exclaimed.

“It’s cause he’s too busy keeping Joshua for himself,” Seokmin teased in a high-pitched voice.

Seungcheol felt his cheeks burn at the statement. “Ummm...it hasn’t been that long,” He said stupidly, knowing it’s been three months since he’s probably spoken to the others.

“Months!” Seungkwan cried. 

“We didn’t hear from you or Hansol in months too,” Wonwoo pointed out.

“Yeah but that’s probably for the best,” Jihoon said. 

Seungkwan threw a pillow across the room. 

“Hey!” Joshua shouted, coming down the stairs. “Please, don’t break anything!” 

Several voices shouted Joshua’s name in different variations. They all rushed toward him when he reached the last step and enveloped him in hugs. Seungcheol couldn’t help but pout when he saw Joshua had received a much more warm welcome than he had. 

A flush was staining Joshua’s cheeks as he returned everyone’s hugs, although Seungcheol was not sure if it was because he was happy to see them or because he was still embarrassed about what the others had so rudely disturbed. 

“How did you even find my mom’s new house?” Joshua questioned with a tilt in his voice. “I didn’t give the address out to anyone.” 

“I have my ways,” Soonyoung said cryptically.

“You barely know how to work your own phone,” Wonwoo snorted.

The two began arguing back and forth while Seungcheol caught Joshua’s gaze above everyone’s heads. “What do we do?” Seungcheol mouthed.

Joshua shrugged but his eyes lit up brightly soon after, “Have you guys had breakfast?”

At the mention of food, everyone’s heads turned to Joshua like some wild meerkats. It was easy from there to herd the entire group of twelve boys to the kitchen. 

The table in the kitchen only had room for six so there was a mad dash to to the table. Minghao and Chan were vicious as they knocked Jun and Soonyoung back. The others remained standing awkwardly around the kitchen, making more of a nuisance than anything.

Joshua and Seungcheol immediately went to the fridge and without any communication began to pull out the necessary ingredients for a Western style breakfast. 

“Since when did you learn how to cook hyung?” Mingyu questioned Seungcheol when Joshua handed him some onions and Seungcheol began to chop them smoothly. 

“Ummm I guess when I came here,” He took the offered tomato from Joshua without even looking, while Joshua heated the pan and started cracking eggs in it. He started chopping the tomato and looked at Joshua before saying, “Joshua’s made a true housewife out of me.” Seungcheol was unsure if what he said was appropriate. They hadn’t really yet spoken about revealing the nature of their relationship to the others. 

Joshua laughed warmly meeting his gaze. 

_ Is this okay?  _ Seungcheol questioned through his look. 

_ Yeah. _

“If only I can make him pick up after himself,” Joshua teased. 

“I’ve been doing better!” Seungcheol admonished.

Joshua rolled his eyes fondly. “I found your sock in the bathroom sink just two nights ago.”

“That’s gross hyung,” Mingyu said. He hovered behind Joshua. “Is there anything I can help with?”

“Oh,” Joshua furrowed his brows. “Ummm...Seungcheol and I have everything covered.” Seungcheol knew that Joshua did not mean anything by it, but cooking breakfast had become sort of their routine and neither of them were quite sure where Mingyu fit in all of it.

Mingyu began to droop and Joshua immediately noticed, “You can help toast the bread?”

Mingyu’s pout protruded further but he did take the offered bag of bread. 

When the two finished cooking, they carried the pans and plates to the table. Eggs, bacon, toast, and fruit were set on the table for only matter of seconds before the group reached for it like dogs. Hansol stood to reach for the bacon on the far end of the table and Seungcheol took that moment to steal his seat.

Joshua laughed as Hansol tried to sit down again only to find another person already there. Begrudgingly he grabbed his plate and moved to stand next to Mingyu by the wall. 

Joshua stood beside Seungcheol and leaned down to grab a piece of fruit. 

“You’re terrible, picking on the young ones like that,” Joshua stated and stuffed a piece of strawberry in Seungcheol’s mouth before he could utter a reply. 

Seungcheol dropped his utensils and wrapped his arms around Joshua’s waist to drop him into his lap. Joshua yelped, nearly dropping his own plate. 

The rest of the group watched with curiosity but no one said anything.

Seungcheol swallowed the strawberry, “It got us seats, didn’t it?” 

Joshua fondly rolled his eyes but got comfortable in Seungcheol’s lap, unaware of Seokmin’s gaze on them. 

 

 

Since the members were excited to be in Los Angeles it was only natural for one of them to suggest to go to the beach. Seungcheol and Joshua had looked at each other and shrugged which resulted in several amounts of overzealous yelling. 

The members who had left their suitcases discarded at the front door rushed to it and started to pack their things to head to the beach. Joshua went to the garage and grabbed the beach canopy and beach chairs storing it in the spare car. Once the others saw Joshua loading things into the trunk, there was another violent dash to the minivan. 

Joshua didn’t mind much until he saw Mingyu sitting in the driver’s seat. He chastised him, informing him that he did not have a license to drive internationally. Mingyu frowned and as he exited the car Wonwoo and Minghao laughed obnoxiously from the back seat. Joshua chuckled and double checked the others were able to get their lyft rides safely to go to the beach. 

When they arrived at Newport Beach, there was a brief moment of chaos as the others who had taken the lyft had to wait for Joshua to find parking. It took them near forty minutes, but once they found an empty spot, Soonyoung dashed out of the car and was already trying to open the trunk as the car was reversing—that resulted in another argument between Wonwoo and Soonyoung. 

After several minutes, they finally stepped on the sandy shore with too much noise and hyperactivity. Joshua laughed as Seungcheol yelled at them to keep it down otherwise their covers would be blown.

“You sound so old,” Joshua teased, holding one side of the beach canopy while Seungcheol held the other. 

Seungcheol sent him a nasty glare but Joshua was able to soften the glare with a kittenish smile. 

They chose a random spot to set their gear, glad that they did pack the large beach canopy as the August Southern California sun was still going strong. 

Joshua, Mingyu, and Minghao helped set up the beach canopy. Somewhere, he could hear Junhui chastising Hansol and Chan to not forget to apply their sunscreens but both of them had already rushed into the ocean with an overzealous Seokmin.

Joshua laughed as he saw Seungcheol struggling to remove his shirt and give chase but before he could get very far, Joshua captured his forearm and brought him back. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” Joshua asked him, already squirting lotion into his hand.

“And I’m the old one?” Seungcheol shot back when he saw the sunscreen. 

Joshua retaliated by smashing his hand into Seungcheol’s face. Seungcheol spluttered as the sunscreen got into his mouth. Seungcheol wiped it with both hands and gripped Joshua giving him the same treatment.

Joshua squealed trying to get away. He didn’t get very far. He fell onto the sand and groaned as sand fell onto his face and mixed uncomfortably with the sunscreen.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Seungcheol switching to English. “I didn’t mean to.”

“Sure you didn’t.”

“You attacked me first.”

“I was trying to save you from a sunburn. You would have been complaining all night if I let you go without it.”

“I would not have complain that much,” Seungcheol pouted. He grabbed a random towel that was hanging from the canopy and wiped Joshua’s face with it. 

“Hey,” Jihoon said. “Since when do you speak English?”

Joshua could see Seungcheol blushing underneath the massive amount of sunscreen still dripping down his face and onto the sand. He took the towel from Seungcheol and began cleaning him up as well.

“Uh Joshua has been teaching me,” Seungcheol muttered shyly.

Joshua directed Seungcheol to sit down in between his legs and began applying sunscreen to his back and broad shoulders.

“He’s gotten really good at it,” Joshua said proudly. “We’ve mostly just been speaking English around the house and whenever we go out to eat he always orders for us.”

“I’m not that good,” Seungcheol said.

Joshua loved when Seungcheol got this bashful. He got the sudden urge to kiss him but settled with pinching the back of his neck. Seungcheol yelped.

“That was for pushing me in the sand.”

“I apologized!”

“You guys have gotten really close,” Minghao stated without any shame.

Seungcheol looked over his shoulder and replied, “We’ve gotten to know each other a lot these few months.”

Joshua smiled and finished applying sunscreen to Seungcheol’s back. Seungcheol returned the favor and when they were both finished, Seungcheol joined the rest of the boys in the water.

Wonwoo, Jihoon, and Joshua decided to rest on the sand with towels underneath them and basking in the sun like cats.

They were chatting idly listening to the others make a ruckus on the coast. Their noises were so loud that Joshua did not notice Seungcheol approaching like a mischievous child. 

Joshua was picked up from the floor. He cried out as Seungcheol carried him bridal style into the water. 

He tried shoving him away but it was no use. He fell into the ocean with a giant splash. He came up for air and grabbed Seungcheol pulling him down with him. 

The others cheered as a very short lived wrestling matched ensued. 

  
  


Later in the afternoon, Joshua was back on the beach, thankfully, dry and watching with amusement, an unwilling Mingyu being buried in the sand by Minghao. 

Seokmin, who was sitting next to Joshua watching the whole thing as well looked at Seungcheol. Joshua understood him and both of them creeped to their leader. 

Seokmin held Seungcheol down as Joshua began to hurriedly place sand over him. It only took a few seconds before the others realized what the two were doing and soon several of the others were helping Joshua. 

Once Seungcheol’s body was covered in sand, he remained pretty complacent. 

“Let me guess, this was your idea?” Seungcheol questioned as Joshua patted the sand by his shoulders. 

“The boobs were Soonyoung’s idea.”

“What boobs?”

Seungcheol tried to crane his neck to look up where Soonyoung was in fact building two large mounds on his chest with Jihoon commenting to make them bigger. 

Joshua gripped the sides of his head and brought them back down so he wouldn’t ruin their work. “Don’t move,” Joshua whispered.

“Please? Just one peek?”

“You’re going to ruin Jun’s work on your tail.”

“But it’s all the way down there.”

“No peeking.”

“But I’m bored.”

Joshua smiled and leaned down to give him a small peck on the lips.

_ “What the fuck?” _

Joshua broke the kiss from Seungcheol with a gasp at hearing Seokmin curse.

The entire group was silent as they looked upon them.

Joshua was afraid to speak and was grateful as Seungcheol sat up. The sand fell away from his body heavily, ruining everyone’s work.

“Yeah?” Seungcheol said trying to keep a firm voice.

“You two just kissed,” Jihoon said bluntly. 

Seungcheol licked his lips. “We did.”

“Are you two together?” Chan asked hesitantly.

Joshua looked around the group. Everyone seemed cautious around them almost as if they were not pleased. That’s why Joshua’s voice was slightly strained when he said, “We’re together.”

“How could you?” Seokmin’s voice jumped into the conversation, sounding very hurt. 

“What?” Joshua asked softly. 

“I don’t understand, how can you two be together?” His voice rose in pitch. 

“We just...are.”

“So...when I asked how you two were doing, you didn’t think to send me a text that you two are together?”

“Seokmin…” Seungkwan quietly said beside him. 

“How long has this been going on for?”

Joshua understood Seokmin’s displeasure. It felt like a punch in the gut seeing as Seokmin never acted like this. But he was close to Jeonghan and as far as Joshua knew he was the one of the few keeping in constant touch with Jeonghan. He probably felt betrayed, probably felt betrayed on Jeonghan’s behalf. 

“A little over a month,” Joshua said, trying to keep the choked cry that wanted to emerge from his throat down in his belly. 

“I just can’t believe you two. How could you do that to Jeonghan?!”

Seungcheol sat up, voice coming in dark, “He was the one who left.”

“He’s coming back. What is he going to think when he sees this?” Seokmin said, hysterical tears coming down his cheek. 

“Seokmin, he isn’t coming back. We’ve talked about this. Calm down, please.” Seungkwan admonished trying to diffuse the tension. 

“You two are going out behind his back.” 

“We aren’t,” Joshua stuttered. 

“Then why didn’t you tell us. Why are you keeping it hidden?”

“Because—” Joshua was losing control of his voice—desperation was winning.  

“Is this some way of getting Jeonghan’s attention?” Seokmin spat. 

It was the way that Seokmin said those words that caused something to break in Joshua that had never been broken before. He launched up and punched Seokmin across the face. Seokmin lost his footing for a second but did not fall down. The rest of the guys shouted in surprise. He felt someone grab him around the waist and haul him away from Seokmin. 

“Joshua, look at me!” 

Joshua gasped as he took in his new surroundings. His back was pressed against the brick wall outside the men’s restroom and Seungcheol had him on the ground, crowding him on all sides—almost shielding, “What Seokmin said isn’t true.”

Joshua couldn’t say anything. He did not even realize that he was crying. He felt Seungcheol pull him to his chest, holding him for several long minutes. “Joshua,” Seungcheol pressed a kiss to his face. “Seokmin’s just upset. He didn’t mean it.”

“I know that,” Joshua hiccuped. After several minutes when Joshua could breathe normally he said exasperatedly, “I have to go apologize, don’t I?”

“I think from what he said, the two of you pretty even.”

Joshua pulled away from Seungcheol and raised his knees, pushing his forehead into them. “Fuck, I can’t believe I punched Seokmin.”

“It was a sucky punch though if that makes it better.” Seungcheol took his hand and examined the back of his knuckles. The swipe of Seungcheol’s thumb on his hand made the obnoxious crying return. “I think you did more damage to yourself. Hey why are you crying again?”

“It’s just, I didn’t like what he had implied. He said I was using you to get to Jeonghan. I’m not.” Seungcheol stayed silent, letting Joshua vent. “I wouldn’t use you like that and I—I didn’t think I would have feelings like this for you.” Joshua lifted his head and looked at Seungcheol straight in the eye. “I love you too much to ever do that.”

Seungcheol smiled softly. “I believe you. And I love you too.”

 

 

Joshua and Seungcheol decided to stay by the restrooms for half an hour to wade it out. But when they returned, hand in hand, Joshua went straight to Seokmin who was sitting by himself by the shore with his toes grazing the incoming waves. 

“I’m sorry,” Joshua and Seokmin said simultaneously.

Seungcheol pressed a kiss to his temple in encouragement and left them to their own devices. 

Seokmin took a deep breath, “It’s okay, I shouldn’t have acted like that. I’m sorry.”

“You’re really upset about Jeonghan, aren’t you?”

Seokmin’s gaze fell to the sand. “He says I’m the only one that talks to him now.”

“That can’t be true, I’m sure—”

“He told me no one talks to him. I even asked the others if they had checked up on him and no one has. I get why Seungcheol hasn’t and even you but I really care for Jeonghan, you know. He took care of me.”

“We’ll take care of you.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Probably not, but you’re going to have to learn how to deal with it and move on. I know that sounds harsh but Seungcheol and I have done a lot of reflecting since we’ve been here and we’ve learned to let go.”

“But I don’t want to let Jeonghan go. He’s our friend.”

“I’m not saying you have to stop talking to him but maybe this is a time to grow.”

“Is that what happened to you?”

“I like to think so.”

Seokmin took a long pause before finally saying, “You and Seungcheol make a good pair.”

“Thank you. I think so too.” “It’s going to be hard when we go back to Korea and start preparing for our new album. But I think it’s important to keep a positive mindset and continue growing.”

“Yeah,” Seokmin agreed.

They walked back to the others—tension still there but better than before.  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Hey guys, it’s time to go back,” Someone said when the sun was setting. 

“Ready?” Seungcheol asked. 

“Yeah,” Joshua said, feeling a bit lighter. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go!!!


	12. Epilogue

_ Two Years Later... _

Seungcheol and Joshua watched Jeonghan approach the stage. He looked gorgeous. His hair was cropped but pushed back, revealing his warm smiling face. He walked confidently to the mic in the center of the stage, holding a white envelope. 

“This year we’ve had several great groups reach new heights with their music. All of them have set records and touched international charts. They have paved the way for future artists to express love and diversity in different ways. That’s why I am proud to announce the nominees for Artist of the Year: BTS, Monsta X, Pentagon, EXO, Seventeen, and ASTRO.” 

With each name given, Joshua and Seungcheol gripped each other’s hands along with the other members in anticipation. They could hear fans screaming with each nominee given and their heart surged upon hearing their Carats scream—in their opinion—the loudest . 

Jeonghan peeled open the envelope, “And the Artist of the Year goes to…” He smiled warmly and laughed happily, “Seventeen.”

The group shot up to their feet more in shock than celebration. A few seconds passed where no one could move or believe what had just happened. It took Chan nagging at all of them to get a move on to the stage that they finally started laughing with joy.

They jogged up the stage.

Joshua and Seungcheol approached Jeonghan first. He bowed politely and handed them their trophy, “Congratulations,” He whispered before walking off the stage. 

Seungcheol grinned broadly and automatically went to the mic to thank their fans.

 

When the award show ended, Seungcheol and Joshua had snuck away from the group to celebrate on their own.

They were standing in the middle of an empty dressing room. Joshua had his arms around Seungcheol’s waist and Seungcheol had his forearms resting on Joshua’s shoulders as they kissed.

It was sweet and innocent—only because they were still technically in public. 

“Your song is the one that got us that award,” Seungcheol sighed into Joshua’s mouth. “I’m so proud of you.” 

Joshua smiled bashfully. His song had taken a while to get approved by the higher ups in their company but once they were given the greenlight, Jihoon had transformed Joshua’s bare ballad into a grand masterpiece. 

“I still can’t believe we won,” Joshua answered. 

“Well believe it.”  Seungcheol kissed Joshua again.

Both of them heard the door open. They knew they should part but they were too caught up in the celebratory moment to care. However, as the silence lingered both began to fret. If it were one of the members, they would have been chastised or made fun of. If it were their stylist or managers, they would have kindly shut the door and then knocked to get them to focus.

But there was nothing.

They broke all contact and turned to the door.

Their hearts stopped as they saw Jeonghan standing in the doorframe.

“Congratulations,” Jeonghan said softly.

“Thank you,” Joshua said bemusedly.

It was silent for a few moments again. The tension in the room felt by all three of them. 

“How long has it been?” Jeonghan smiled awkwardly.

“Two years,” Seungcheol said quickly. 

“That long, huh?”

“We meant to get in touch—” Joshua started but Jeonghan interrupted him.

“It’s okay. I could have done better to talk to you,” He said earnestly. A few seconds passed where no one said anything until once more Jeonghan spoke, “So you two are…?”

Joshua feared for a moment Seungcheol would deny it, but he felt a hand intertwine with his. “Yeah,” Seungcheol answered.

“You two look good together,” Jeonghan stated, looking at their linked hands fondly.

“You look good,” Joshua said with nothing to say. 

Seungcheol agreed, “We watched your newest drama. You were fantastic.”

Jeonghan looked down at his shoes bashfully, throwing the praise to the side instead of basking in it like he normally would have done with praise coming from Seungcheol’s mouth. Instead, he stuttered, “Thanks...but I...I came down here to maybe ask if you wanted to go have a dinner to celebrate your win.”

Seungcheol’s eyes opened wide in surprise, “Of course, let me text the group—”

“I kind of just wanted it to be us three,” Jeonghan said quickly. 

“We can do that too,” Joshua stated. 

A large genuine smile appeared on Jeonghan’s face. “Great! There’s this place that has amazing pork belly if you two wanted to go now?”

Seungcheol and Joshua smiled. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Jeonghan walked out first. Then Joshua. Then Seungcheol. 

But they exited as three people down the long bare white hallway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End.
> 
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